Saturday's Battle Cry

Thursday was a turning point personally for me.We were told to expect 7-10 days in the hospital, but that many babies with this surgery get out in 6 days. I think every day after 7 days, my desire to be home grew and grew. And with that tension came inner turmoil and deep wrestling with God. I really think since March (when Willow was born) I've had a victim mentality with God.What do my prayers matter? Why does He keep giving me such hard stuff? Why doesn't he save me? I stated in an earlier post that I felt like my fight and flight were both at odds, but when I really sit and reflect on it- it's probably just guilt/obligation and flight. I don't know how much fight I had in me with this one. Tim kept telling me, "You just need a good cry." But that's the thing... I couldn't cry and it was toxic. But when the doctors said it would be another 6 weeks and the term temporary or a week now looks like months- everything broke open. I cried a lot on Thursday and slowly a lot of what I was holding in was released. Tim gave me a pep talk at lunch, reassuring me this is not forever, that we will get through this, and that our trust is not that God will give us everything we ask, but that He is working it all together for our good. I have to stop bumming that Willow has Down Syndrome, stop bumming that this stay isn't going as planned and I have to start fighting. Fighting to find the good and be part of the good again.

I'm not much of an old testament type of girl, but lately I've been drawn to the warriors of the Bible. When we found out Willow was in heart block I was drawn to pray Joshua and the battle of Jericho over her heart conduction- that just like the walls of Jericho came tumbling down, so would whatever is blocking her heart conduction.This morning I read about Gideon and how God used him as an underdog to defeat the Midianites. In Judges 7, God says to Gideon, "You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her announce now to the army 'Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mt. Gilead'." I'll give you the abbreviated version of the story... Gideon's army was soon down to 300 and they were gong to fight an army of 135,000. And do know what they went into battle with? Trumpets and empty jars (with torches inside). Spoiler alert: in the end the underdog won because God saved them. But what really spoke to me this morning about this story is: 

1. That God uses underdogs. It displays His glory more than our own.

2. The weapons they used.Trumpets and empty jars (with torches inside)?! Today the trumpets represented praise and the empty jar represented me. I have nothing left but a small torch (a little bit of faith) left inside. But that those are my weapons that God is going to use for this battle.  We are definitely underdogs, but that's exactly where God wants us to display his glory. So today I am choosing to give God praise.

• Praise for the ordered chaos of this hospital stay. Where I can see  his miracles unfolding. Last night for 2 hours Willow was out of heart block! She has been in and out of partial heart block all day, but we are cautiously optimistic that God is doing a miracle.
• Praise that the bacteria found was Staph. There is a resistant and less resistant type and she has the less resistant type- the type that is easier to treat. We will not know the treatment till Monday or how long we will be here. But we are thankful this is easier to treat.
• Praise for my mom. She has been here the entire stay with us. Doing laundry, taking shifts so we could sleep or nap, grabbing rides for groceries. She has the most beautiful servant's heart that shines in times like these. She also has never doubted that Willow will come out of heart block. She is so faithful to Christ.
• Praise that my best friend, April is flying out this afternoon to be with us.
• Praise for CrossFit Sioux Falls who did a fundraiser for us yesterday in work outs. People worked hard out of love for us and when the 13 workouts in 13 hours were done, they all held hands and said a beautiful prayer for us.

This worship song is my weapon (trumpet) for the day.