A Year in Review

A year ago I wrote my first blog entry. Some days I think this grieving process has been so slow, that I haven't made it very far at all. But when I think back on that first blog, I remember I was in the deepest darkest place and I realize how far I have come. That step by step I have begun the healing process and that I have learned so much over the last year. Many times we learn from experience, but we can also learn a great deal from others who have traveled a journey that we might not have been given. So I thought I would write what I have learned this first year.

*Please know when reading this that I wrote this as what I have learned on my personal journey through grieving. Also, I did not write this with anyone in mind. *

What have I learned from Year 1...
1. There are good gifts and there are not-so-good gifts. Sorry to all of you who might feel offended by this, and I would've been in your same boat and given the same gifts had I not been here. After Quinn died we had so many cards and gifts pour in. All of which really were so thoughtful and I really do appreciate but when all was said and done, I was left with a storage room full of statues, figurines, and plaques that had some cutsie quote about losing loved ones. Those quotes are fine in cards, but having them around your house is a constant reminder that my child is dead and I was left not knowing what to do with them. Also, stuffed animals are not a gift you give to someone who lost their only child.  Good gifts were more practical- stamps, food, and gift cards for restaurants. To tell you the truth, some of the most meaningful things we received were heartfelt notes and cards. In the end, it really is the thought that counts.

2. You will not survive something like this in isolation. It is good to surround yourself with good people as a general rule, but look at the people you spend time with. Would they drop everything to help you? Will they be sparse when life is not one big ball of fun? I have been a less than desirable person to hang around with this year. I hate surface conversations, avoid talking about kids, and trying to make me laugh... forget about it. But I had friends, family, and co-workers who went beyond the awkwardness to truly be with me, encourage me, and love me through this dark year.

3.You have to do the hard stuff. You have to let yourself grieve... EVERYTHING.  If I had to title this year it might be titled "Trudging Through the Tough Stuff: All the Firsts." First time holding a baby, first time in Quinn's room, first time back at the hospital, first time someone asks you if you have kids... the list is so long the first year it is exhausting. The anxiety leading up to it is the worst, but I felt so relieved after it was done. That doesn't mean the 2nd time isn't hard, but it gets just a little better every time. Most people would tell me, "You don't have to do that." But I did. Because maybe today I don't have to, but at some point I will and then it might be harder or people won't be as supportive when you are breaking down doing something 10 years later. The longer you wait to do things that scare you, the more they take hold- they almost become an idol. Doing all this made the first year extremely hard, but it reminded me of Jerry Sittser's quote from one of my first entries, "The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise." If I delay the hard stuff, I delay the grieving process.

4. Do not say you are praying for someone unless you really are. I am fully convinced prayers are what got me through this year, what got me out of bed each day. I didn't miss one day of school this year and I know it was because of prayer. I don't take it lightly. I heard, "I'm praying for you" so often that I cringed when I heard is sometimes because I thought, "Are your really praying for me or are you just saying that because it sounds nice?" If you say you are praying for someone, do it, because a lot of times they are counting on those prayers.

5. Do not be a fair weather friend to God. I am so thankful I grew up in a home that emphasized scripture because there were many days I couldn't open my Bible, but scripture I had learned as a child came to mind and got me through some really hard times. I can remember wanting nothing more, when I got home, than to spend time in the Word. My Bible is what got me through those times. This process would have been a lot slower had I not already had the foundation I did. It was like preparing me for the battle. Tim said the other day, "I have learned no matter how hard life gets, you will survive if you have a foundation in God." This is not to say that the pain isn't real, and that God makes you feel any better but he is our only hope.  The only hope we have of eternal life, a life with no suffering, reuniting with Quinn.  Without that comfort, life seems pretty dire.

6.You might think, "I don't know if I should say something to them about how they are doing or feeling.  What if they are having a really good day?" I found (and I know not everyone is like this) that I appreciated people who said something more than people who ignored the elephant in the room. I'm already thinking about Quinn 24 hours a day so bringing her up isn't like you just reminded me of it. Ignoring it sometimes felt like people were belittling what I went through like life should just move on. Sometimes people didn't say the right thing, but my perspective was "where love abounds, grace abounds." I had to have a lot of grace for people because they were just saying it because they loved me and didn't know how to express it. Which brings me to my last lesson for this entry which I feel really strongly about:

7. Do not reduce holy mysteries to slogans. So many times people don't know what to say so they came up with something cliche. Most of the time I had grace for them. But I want you to know, there is nothing you can say that will fix this. There is nothing you can say that can solve this holy mystery.  For example people would say, "God just needed another angel". How do you know that? I don't know why Quinn died. I don't know if God did it, or allowed it, or Satan won some battle. I won't ever know for sure. There are some things that are just a mystery.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 states:
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how a body is formed in a mother's womb, so you can not understand the work of God, the maker of all things."

Job 11:7&8:
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? They are higher than the heavens- what can you do? They are deeper than the depth of the grave- what can you know?"

I like how the Message translates the following verses:
Matthew 7:6
"Don't be flip with the sacred....Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege."

Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God."

I have learned that I don't have all the answers, none of us do. Sometimes we just have to accept that God is higher than us, that he knows the whole story. And we must "enter into the mystery, abandoning ourselves to God."

A Running Leap Into the Deep

William Taylor once wrote, "The strength of the vessel can be demonstrated only by the hurricane, and the power of the gospel can be fully shown only when the Christian is subjected to some fiery trial. If God would make manifest the fact that 'He giveth songs in the night', He must first make it night."  As I sit and reflect on the last year of our life, I could definitely call it "the night". A time of darkness and despair, a time of not seeing light in the distance. The gospel I have believed in since before I can remember has been more than subjected to a fiery trial. Hebrews 11:1 states:

      "Faith is being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it."

Faith is a hard thing to come by these days. Faith that God is real, Faith that God is good- all the time, Faith that He loves me, Faith that the things I hope for will come. Jesus said to Doubting Thomas in John 20:29

      "You believe because you see me. Those who believe without truly seeing me will be blessed."

And I want to be that person. The one who believes without the need to see anything, but I find myself so many times praying, "JUST SHOW UP!" Jesus' disciple, Peter, has been on my mind a lot lately. I keep coming back to 2 stories involving him. The first is when Jesus walks on the water to the boat his disciples are in (Matt. 14:22-36). The man whom they believe is the Messiah is doing something truly amazing and the first thing Peter says is, "Lord, if it is really you, then command me to come to you on the water." WHAT?! That is the last thing this wimp would say, but his doubt resonates withing me. It is a doubt I can relate to because he is testing the waters (literally) but also has great faith all wrapped up in this one statement. If Peter didn't have faith in this man he wouldn't  have walked on the water, but he also wouldn't have walked on the water unless he doubted Him either. The next part of the story really gets me. Jesus simply says "Come." This tells me even in my doubt with the stormy sea raging around me, he reaches out his hand to me  and says, "Come". And Peter does it. That is faith at its finest! But when he sees the wind and waves he becomes afraid and starts sinking. Matthew 14:31-33 states:

       "He shouted, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught Peter. Jesus said,
       'Your faith is small. Why did you doubt?' After they got in the boat, the wind became calm. Then those
        who were in the boat worshiped Jesus and said 'Truly you are the Son of God.'"

I wonder why Jesus didn't calm the wind until after they got back into the boat? He so easily could have made it easier on Peter. But I find the strength of the "vessel" is tested by the "hurricane". And through both Peter's doubt and faith Jesus was glorified in the end.

The second story I've been coming back to comes at the end of the gospels, John 21:1:

           "'I'm going out to fish,' Peter told them, and they said, 'We'll go with you.' so they went out and got
             into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore,
             but the disciples did not realize that is was Jesus. He called out to them, 'Friends haven't you caught
             any fish?' 'No,' they answered. He said, 'Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will
             find some.' When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
             Then John said to Peter, 'It is the Lord!' As soon as Peter heard him say 'It is the Lord,' he wrapped
             his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water."

I love to see how far Peter has come... that wild abandonment. This time he leaps into the water after Jesus. Even more, what speaks to me in this story is that Jesus still wanted to fulfill the desires of their hearts and give them fish- he wasn't saying, "No", he was simply saying, "Follow me and the rest will fall into place." I have felt lately that God doesn't want to give me the desires of my heart. And in turn it has effected how I feel about his love for me and even more the faith I have in him. But this spoke to my heart that He isn't saying "No" he is saying, "Follow me and the rest will fall into place."

So today I choose to step out of the boat and onto the raging waters that surround me, to test the power of this gospel. Jesus hasn't completely calmed the waves and wind rising around me and I will most likely sink at one time or another. But I am hoping and praying that one day I would be able to take a running leap into the deep with a wild abandonment after my savior.

Letting Go of the IF ONLY'S

I turned 30 this past weekend and it was a bit hard for me. It was hard because I am not where I wanted my life to be at 30. If you would've asked me at age 15 where my life would be at age 30 I would've said married with 2 children. I most definitely would not have said grieving the loss of my daughter who died just short of 5 months old. It is as if the perfect picture I had of my life in a beautiful frame just fell to the floor and shattered into a million pieces, so many pieces that there is no way of fixing it. So 30 takes on a whole new meaning as a milestone when it stops becoming a milestone and has now turned into a deadline. My deadline is up and I did not meet my target and that is a hard pill to swallow. It becomes even harder when I could; in fact I SHOULD have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

I have been reflecting a lot on time lately and how we humanly measure it. The chapter Ecclesiastes, in the Bible, kept coming to mind when thinking about how God thinks about Time so I decided to read it this week.  I originally read the chapter for chapter 3 the old Beatles song, "There is a time to be born, and a time to die... There is a time to cry and a time to laugh..." But the verse that came after that section in chapter 3 is what struck me this week. Ecclesiastes 3:11 states:

          "God has given them a desire to know the future. He does everything just right and on time, but
           people can never completely understand what he is doing."

This spoke to me because I often think if I just knew the future that would make this grieving process a whole lot easier. If God just told me that in 2 years I would find joy again, that I would have another child, that hearing people talk about their children wouldn't drive a knife into my heart, that would give me something to look forward to. But I am not alone. God has given us a desire to know the future. But in the future when I look back on this I will see that He did everything "just right and on time" even if right now I don't understand what he is doing.

Tim and I have also been really convicted about how we find contentment in this life. How do we rest in the stage of life we are in at the moment? As humans we are so fickle. We are driven by the "If Only's". First it is if only I had a job, then I would be happy, but then we get the job and instead of it bringing happiness we are onto the next "If Only". If only I was married and had someone to share this with, then I would be happy. Then we get married and we skip the happy and are onto the next "If Only". If only I had a child, a better house, could travel more- you fill in the blank for yourself. Tim and I have said we often think, "If only we had another child, things would get better." But I know plenty of people with children who are miserable. I don't want to continue this cycle in life until the day I am on my deathbed and then look back on my life thinking, "If only I would've found the joy at the stage I was at while I was there instead of looking forward to the next best thing, wishing my life away." In fact Ecclesiastes 5: 16 states:

             "This too is real misery: They leave just as they came. So what do they gain from chasing the wind?
              All they get are days full of sadness and sorrow, and they end up sick, defeated, and angry."

I am 30! And I've lived most of my life "chasing after the wind", thinking everyone who had the next thing I wanted possessed happiness. But the secret that Facebook and Instagram pictures don't show you is that behind that cute couple or beautiful family is a person who thinks that happiness is around the next stage in life. We are ALL chasing after the wind and if we take heed from the wisest man in history, we see the ending of the story... all we get from this are "days full of sadness and sorrow, ending up sick, defeated, and angry."
So tell me how I turn this ship around because that is not the direction I want my life going. Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 (The Message) gives us this gem of advice:
 
                  "After looking at the way things are on this earth, here's what I've decided is the best way to live:
                   Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as
                   long as God gives you life. And that's about it. That's the human lot. Yes, we should make the
                   most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what is given
                  and delighting in the work. It's God's gift! God deals out joy in the present, in the now."

It seems so easy. I need to take care of myself and I need to make the most of what God gives me, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it. I am not naive to the fact that this life brings sorrow and disappointment. But there is no use bringing more sorrow and disappointment to my life by chasing after the wind of my "If Only's". God has given me work, he has given me some really big and hard tasks, but my goal is to delight in the work.  And daily my goal is to remind myself that God is doing everything "just right and on time." And if I truly believe that, I can slowly start to let go of the "If Only's" and live knowing that He  is dealing out joy in the present, in the now. My only task is to open my eyes and find it, because it's there.

Just Enough

This week has been a hard week. I know I am making progress, but it feels like one step forward and two steps back and this week has been a week where it feels like we have taken two steps back. I still feel stuck in mud & miry clay, stuck in this grief. What makes this so hard is that I believe what the Bible says in Psalms 40:1-3:

" I waited patiently for the Lord; and he turned to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay. He stood me on a rock and made my feet steady. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many people will see this and worship him."

I believe with all my heart that He can lift me out of this pit I am in, but what hurts the most is that He hasn't. And my problem is, I don't always trust that He will. If I am truly being honest, I feel a little let down by God, abandoned by Him. It's really hard for me to believe that He loves me. Because this hand I've been dealt doesn't feel like love. I know how much I loved Quinn and I would never allow her to go through something like what I am going through if I had the power to stop it. I hear of 65 year olds who experience miracles of healing and instead of being amazed, it breaks my heart. Why didn't God choose Quinn to receive the miracle and live? It is humbling for me to write this for the whole world to read, but we are also trying to get pregnant again and it is taking a lot longer than expected and I hear my heart crying out to God, "Haven't we gone through enough? Can't something be easy?"

I was humbled when reading through Numbers 11 this week. The setting is the Israelites whom through Moses God brought out of slavery in Egypt are now wandering in the desert. They have been promised to be led to a land of Milk & Honey but they experience many set backs and continue to camp in a desolate area. There is no food in this area so God provides a miracle for them... Manna. Every morning a grain-like substance covers the ground to feed them.  And they are only given enough for the day. If they kept extra, it spoiled overnight. But after awhile, the Israelites start to complain. They miss the fruits & vegetables they were provided in Egypt and especially the meat. So they start to weep. I think when I heard this story when I was younger I thought that they were selfish. But now when I read it, I'm sure I would be one of the biggest complainers if I lived during that time. To eat the same food for 40 years sounds awful. I think the Israelites were feeling some of my same sentiments... abandoned, let down, questioning God's love and provision, knowing that God could provide more, but he wasn't. And yet, what the Israelites and I are both missing in the midst of it all is the miracle. God provided food for them in a desolate place. And He gave them exactly what they needed to make it through the day. And that is what I have to remind myself this week. That God is daily providing me a miracle of just making it through the day each day. Every day I think how am I going to make it through the next 50 years? And yet he gives me my Manna each day and I make it through another day. So this has been my prayer for the week, "Lord forgive me for my grumbling. Thank you for the miracle of getting me through the day with just enough. I know that many times I want more. But help me to be patient for the day when I will see what you have promised... the land of Milk & Honey."

The Beauty of Storms- Being Still

It started with a routine April rain, something that was supposed to happen. But then the wind started to blow and it got unusually cold. We woke up on Wednesday morning to a winter wonderland of icy trees. And Mother Nature didn't stop there, inches of ice began to accumulate and when She was done our city looked like a war zone. Trees that had been around 50 years were split down the middle, bending beneath the weight of the ice. And to add insult to injury the next night a fresh blanket of snow covered it all up. In all of my suffering these past months, I have been given a gift. I see things like this in a whole new light. Instead of being sad that we lost 3 trees, I see beauty in the way God works, artistry in many circumstances, poems made out of heartbreak. Every circumstance can be made into an analogy to teach me something, and this ice storm is no exception.

I have felt that I have come into a new season of grieving. I can feel that God is healing my heart ever so slowly. And just as the weather was starting to get warmer and the birds were starting to chirp. I could feel the ice that has formed around my heart, the ice that freezes anything good, the ice that burns and runs so deep, starting to slowly melt away. But just like you don't expect snow storms in April, my grief of losing someone so precious to me, sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I know for the most part that spring is coming, but I also know that unexpected ice storms will hit in the midst of this process. See, this wasn't supposed to happen. April is supposed to bring rain that helps trees bloom, not die. We are not supposed to have 3 snow days in the middle of April. Similarly, losing a child so suddenly was not supposed to happen. I am supposed to be spending my snow days with a child who is just starting to walk, not sitting in silence reflecting on life. And it is okay for me to grieve that. 

This storm has also reminded me of what William P. Young wrote about in his book The Shack:

“There is something joyful about storms that interrupt routine. Snow or freezing rain suddenly releases you from expectations, performance demands, and the tyranny of appointments and schedules. And unlike illness, it is largely a corporate rather than individual experience. One can almost hear a unified sigh rise from the nearby city and surrounding countryside where Nature has intervened to give respite to the weary humans slogging it out within her purview. All those affected this way are united by a mutual excuse, and the heart is suddenly and unexpectedly a little giddy. There will be no apologies needed for not showing up to some commitment or other. Everyone understands and shares in this singular justification, and the sudden alleviation of the pressure to produce makes the heart merry.”

If you didn't grow up in the Midwest you might not know that when we say the word snowday  it holds so much meaning. It is an excuse to be lazy. And during these last few days I have felt like God was reminding me to "Be Still." I said in an earlier post that I have started reading through the Old Testament and it has been hard to do blogs about what God is teaching me from reading through Leviticus... BUT when I read through Exodus last month I kept coming back to a verse that really spoke to me. The setting is the Israelites on their way out from hundreds of years in captivity in Egypt, being chased by their captors and coming to the Red Sea, feeling trapped. They say to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?" But it is not their panic that spoke to me most, but what Moses said in reply to them:

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

                                                                                                                                -Exodus 14:11-14

"Be Still and know that I am God."                                                                            -Psalm 46:10

It seems so simple, and yet we have such a hard time following it in our culture. Be Still. Yes, our city has been declared a state of emergency (my life is in a state of emergency). But the beauty is that it has reminded me that the Lord will fight for me. All I need to do is to be still and know that He is God.

A Climate of Joy

My students were doing a project the other day on emotions and one group asked me if joy and happiness were the same thing. I said for the project's sake it was, but to me they were not. That happiness is temporary, but that joy is everlasting. I think this peaked their interest because they started asking lots of questions. One boy said, "So, do you think you can be sad and joyful at the same time?" And I replied back with such certainty, "I KNOW you can be sad and joyful at the same time." They sat for a moment pondering this and I thought the conversation was over, but then the same boy turned to me and said, "So... happiness is like the weather, and joy is like the climate?" I looked at my student and smiled, "Yes, that's perfect." I went home and looked up what the Bible said about Joy and all the verses containing joy revolved around what Jesus did for us and how we serve others:

Hebrews 12: 1-3
             "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything
              that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked
              out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set
              before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne
              of God."

Psalm 51: 10-12
             "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from
              your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the JOY of your salvation and
              grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

Philippians 2:1-4
              "If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any
               fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my JOY complete by
              being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish
              ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should
              look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the
              same as that of Christ Jesus."

Tuesday, with "Celebrate QUINNcidence" His joy was made complete and so was mine, even in the midst of sorrow. I could feel the "like-mindedness", the "same love", and people all over being "one in spirit and purpose". People put aside their selfish ambitions and put others in front of themselves. Most of you did not look at your own interests, but the interests of others. I know God was glorified Tuesday because those whom He created and loves came together for one purpose... to bless. I know I was not the recipient of all the random acts, but it didn't matter because EVERY LITTLE THING YOU DID for someone else touched my heart, and Tim's, in such a deep way that I could never describe in words. Yes, I was bold enough to put the idea out there, but God did HUGE things with it. Thank you for showing love in big and small ways, thank you for joining us, thank you for supporting us, thank you to those of you who know us and love us, and thank you to those of you who celebrated Quinn without knowing any of us. You will never know how much it meant to us. Quinn was NOT forgotten, Quinn was celebrated, Quinn moved people, people's lives were changed because of my daughter and THAT, that is the greatest birthday gift.

Yesterday, God brought the word "showers" to mind. The last 8 months have seemed full of gloom and showers of tears but just for a moment this week the clouds parted and God decided to shower down blessings through all of you.
Isaiah 45:8
              "You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open
                wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; I, the LORD have created it."

So my prayer for all of you who joined with us is that you were showered with blessings and righteousness, despite the clouds in your life and that salvation and righteousness will spring up. That through the "weather" of rain you have a continual climate of joy. A joy that will not fade and is made complete through serving others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making our joy complete through your acts of kindness.

**I thought I would post highlights from the day below**

Here are students and staff who stayed after school to make posters to promote the day...

 This is what I came into when I walked into my room on Tuesday. 15-20 students and a few staff members came at 7pm the night before and decorated my room to show their support. It was beautiful.

 "We love you Terhorst"

"March 12th Quinncidence"

 "We are Washington"

 Random candy left on lockers with encouragement. This one says "You are amazing. Celebrate QUINNcidence"

 Students were asked to write down on a post-it note what they had done throughout the day and post it on the counseling windows.

 My Desk in our Teacher Planing Center

 A colleague's door that was decorated, she also handed out pink cupcakes to students

 The Counseling office windows towards the end of the day

 This is what I came home to... A dear friend had special kids (cousins, friends, neighbors, church friends) in our life that would've been invited to Quinn's Birthday write birthday cards for Quinn. She then hung them to balloons that represented the prayers gone up from their parents for us. We later released them in the sky.

  Flowers that had been delivered

A compilation of the day:

Now we get into the pictures of others who had posted them for us...

Quarters left in a college dorm laundry room

The following links are what was on the news about Quinncidence:

KDLT Interview

KELOLAND Interview

Blogs written about Quinncidence:

http://hydeenhappenings.blogspot.com/2013/03/quinncidence-march-12.html

http://foreshadownothing.blogspot.com/2013/03/how-quinns-changed-me.html

http://www.melissanesdahl.blogspot.com/2013/03/making-quinncidence-god-incidence.html

http://elliegramkow.blogspot.com/2013/03/quinncidence-march-12.html?spref=fb

Celebrate Quinncidence

As I look out the window at a fresh blanket of snow that has fallen over the great plains of South Dakota, I am reminded of the somber blanket that has fallen over my heart with the calendar changing to March. In just a week Quinn would've been one. It is so hard to wrap my head around. In my mind she is still a baby, I have a hard time picturing her eating birthday cake... she's not old enough to be eating cake! Tim & I have discussed what we are going to do on March 12th to celebrate Quinn's life. It is so easy to say that we are just going to stay in bed for the day and feel sorry for ourselves. But if I stay in bed, Quinn isn't getting what she deserves... I have this little light and I would be keeping it to myself. I have said time and time again that I just want my daughter to be known. I just want her life to affect others and if I stay in bed on the day she was born, her life and what she was to me stays in bed for the day and she deserves more than that. So on Tuesday March 12th Tim & I have decided to do random acts of kindness all day. We want to take the money we would have spent on cake, ice cream, decorations, and presents and bless the lives of others like Quinn blessed ours. At first we wanted this to be an intimate thing between the two of us, but the more we think and talk about it, the more we know that there are so many special people in our life that have walked this road with us that would want to do this with us. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I now know that it takes a village to bury a child too. We couldn't have done this alone, Not without the support of so many special people that God has placed in our lives. So many people have told us if they could do anything we should just let them know. So... we want to open this up to you and we wanted to tell you in advance so you can start thinking & praying about what you might do. We are deeming Tuesday March 12th as "Celebrate Quinncidence" day. A day to celebrate Quinn, a day to celebrate her life, a day to randomly bless. It doesn't have to be big, you could write a nice note to someone who you appreciate, pay for someone's gas, coffee, or groceries, leave a big tip for a waiter, leave quarters on a vending machine or car wash, put flowers on someone's car, bring donuts to work, etc. I am opening this up my school, Washington High School, as well and will kick it off at the end of the week there. On Tuesday I will post pictures on the blog of what the students there did and how Quinn's birthday went. We would love to hear from you too and what random act of kindness you did on Tuesday to remember Quinn. Post it as a comment below.  And please keep us in your prayers for an abundance of grace this next week and a sense of peace in a time that feels so unfair. Thank you everyone in advance.