Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Letter to Quinn

My dear Quinn,
6 months ago today you were born. I will never forget the way you looked when I first met you, the way you looked at the world with wonder. I have not witnessed any babies being born, but I expected you to cry a lot because you missed being in my warm belly. But you didn't. You cried a little to let us know you were ok. But for the most part you looked around with those big beautiful eyes, trying to soak up the world. Maybe you always knew how short your life would be, so you didn't waste a second. Maybe you were just wise- like your name meant. I remember finding it hard to believe that you were actually mine. Since that day, I have loved you more each day and that hasn't changed with your death.

I was so proud of you. I wanted everyone to get a glimpse of this beautiful creation knit together by The Creator. At the same time I was so so tired. I was new at this and NOTHING could prepare me for being a 1st time mom of a newborn. I had no idea what I was doing, but your daddy and grandma Marcia helped me in the middle of the night. They were hard times, but precious times. I would get up in the middle of the night to check on everyone and your grandma Marcia would be rocking you, singing to you, and holding you close and it gave me an intimate glimpse into my own childhood and how my own mother looked when holding me in the middle of the night. She loves you to the moon and back and visited so much just to be with you that she was more like your 2nd mommy.

And your daddy? He is the best dad there ever was. He is absolutely smitten with you. And you felt so safe and comfortable with him. If there was ever a time I couldn't get you calm or when it came time to sleep, your daddy would hold you close to his heart and you would relax and sleep. That is still where you remain... so so close to his heart. Quinn, you are so loved. I sometimes feel guilty for how hard of an adjustment being a mommy was for me. But being YOUR mommy was not hard. You were so easy to love. Not only did everyone who met you fell deeply in love with you, but even people who didn't know you fell in love with you. I wish you could see how many people love you, how you have affected more people in your short life than most people do in their entire life.

I'm lost, so lost without you. I don't know how to go back to not being a mom. I miss you.... so so much. I don't know what's worse knowing that you miss me too, or knowing that you are alright and don't miss me at all. I don't want either... I just want you here with me. I want milestones, like today, to be spent together. I'm sorry, Quinn. I'm so so sorry that I couldn't prevent this. It was my job to care for you, to protect you, and I feel like I failed you. I'm sorry I didn't hold you longer or sing to you more. I'm just so sorry that you couldn't be with me longer. But I want you to know I will work my hardest every day to make you proud. I promise to love the Lord hard so that we can be together in eternity someday. I promise to work hard to take care of, pray for, respect, and love your daddy so that we will stay together. I promise I will NEVER EVER forget you, stop missing you, or stop loving you. You will always be my daughter and I will always be your mom. I am so proud of you Quinn Noel. Being your mother is my greatest honor. Hold tight and in the blink of an eye I'll be there to hold you for eternity.



  1. You bring me to my knees and bring my babies closer to my heart...thank you for your transparency, your honesty, your love shining through so brightly.

  2. Ironic that you should mention your mom. She stopped over today to visit with my daughter and I. She is an absolutely amazing woman and she loves you and loves Quinn with all her heart. My daughter will be 3 months old in a week. I was nervous about your mom meeting her because I didn't want your mom to be sad. We talked about school and Scarlett and Quinn. Your mother is truly amazing and Quinn is so lucky to have Marcia be your role model. There was nothing you did, Quinn's life was already mapped out. She loves you and knows how much you love her. You are and will always be a mom. I still think of you and your family often.

  3. Oh Ali, how I wish I could be there to pray with you. I wish I could have met Quinn. When I was pregnant with TJ, my sister was pregnant at the same time, but she last her baby a few weeks after TJ was born and I felt so guilty all the time. I have shared your blog with her and she is so inpsired by your love for the and your raw and honest writings. I don't know what to say, except that I think you are helping others to heal through your words...and I thank you. God bless you every day.

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  5. Ali and Tim,

    Your words are full of love and the presence of God. My heart aches for you, but I can tell that God is with you in every word you type. He is good and faithful, and I know his plan is so much bigger than ours -- even when we don't understand the hurt and sadness in life. Quinn is making a big impact -- I feel like I know her thru every post you write and I know how much joy she brought to your lives. She is definitely changing lives!

    You are blessing me and so many others with your posts and your willingness to live out true faith in the midst of hardship. Michael and I are praying for you.

    Lots of prayers coming your way,
    Angela Ten Clay

  6. My heart is so heavy for you! Praying!

  7. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
    We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
    And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:2-5

    I can hear love pouring from your heart. And I have confidence that the Lord is strengthening your character. Stay strong in him, my prayers are with your family.