I have had a hard week this week. A week where I can't see any hope in our situation. A week where I want to throw in the towel on taking the high road and I just want to feel sorry for myself. A week where, even though I know the cliche answers- I don't care about them. I want to scream, THIS IS NOT FAIR! We go to Quinn's grave every night and water her grass and I think, "I should be giving her a bath right now, not watering her grave." A week where either Tim or I have cried ourselves to sleep. I am in such a hopeless place: I will never have Quinn back. This pain is not going away. Nothing can fix this. I think of those moments in life where you think, "life doesn't get any better than this" and realize I will never again have one of those moments, because life could be better... if Quinn shared it with me. There are no words to describe how much I miss Quinn, every day more and more. I want to act like the little kid in the store who never got their way and throw a fit... I want Quinn and I want her NOW!
I have also felt that God has not been as near as he was the first weeks. But last night I opened my Bible to read Jeremiah Chapters 29 & 30 and God spoke right to my heart. The following are the verses:
4 "This is what the Lord, All-Powerful, says to all those people I sent away from Jerusalem as
captives to Babylon: 'Build your houses and settle in the land. Plant gardens and eat the
food they grow. Get married and have sons and daughters... Also, do good things for the city
where I sent you as captives. Pray to the Lord for the city where you are living because if
good things happen in the city, good things will happen to you too... Babylon will be powerful for
70 years. After that time I will come to you and I will keep my promise to bring you back to
Jerusalem. I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord, "I have good
plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my
name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me. And
when you search for me you will find me. I will let you find me. And I will bring you back from
captivity. I forced you to leave this place but I will gather you from all nations... At that time I will
break the yoke from your necks and tear off all the ropes that hold you... So people of Jacob,
don't be afraid. Israel, don't be frightened. I will soon save you from that faraway place where
you are captives. I will save your family from that land... I will completely destroy all those nations
where I scattered you, but I will not completely destroy you. I will punish you fairly, but I will
still punish you. You people have a wound that cannot be cured, your injury will not heal.... but I
will bring back your health and heal your injuries... The city will be rebuilt on its hill of ruins....
There will be the sound of laughter again. I will give them many children. I will bring honor to them.
I will set them up as a strong people before me."
At my darkest moment God spoke truth to me through those verses. I felt like he was saying, "Just like the Israelites were captives in Babylon, so are you a captive here in this season of grieving. This might take awhile so I would advise you to set up shop here (build your house here and plant gardens, this may take some time so make the most of it). But I feel like he was also telling me, "hold tight, I have plans for you and they involve hope." That he was telling me, "I am good so my plans for you are good." That he was telling me that I will break free from this captivity. That even though I have this wounded heart that the rest of the world would say there is no cure for, that God can and will heal my heart. That just as God rebuilt the city on its hill of ruins, he will rebuild my life from this pile of sorrowful rubble. We WILL laugh again. And we WILL come out of this a stronger people. So that is what I am clinging to this week. Although I am in a hopeless place, someday, my God will set me free... and that is my hope.