Thursday, August 23, 2012

Are You Afraid?

By Quinn's Dad

Are you afraid?  I am.  I am so afraid that I don't know how to live on.  The thing that I cared for the most in this world has been taken from me.  If you would have asked me a month and a half ago what I feared most, it would have been Quinn dying.  I am living out my worst fear, my nightmare.  The one that wakes you up screaming and sweating in the middle of the night.  Now, everything scares me.  Getting in the car I think, "What if I get in an accident?  Will Ali be OK here alone?"  What if I wake up next to Ali and she doesn't wake up.  I am just waiting for the next tragedy to hit.  I already can't stand living without my little girl, how am I supposed to get through life that is filled with this kind of pain and suffering?  And please listen and believe that this will not be the last thing I suffer.  I know and expect this and it scares me.

Then, I remember the one thing that comforts me, the one thing that I simply cannot ignore... Jesus Loves Me. It is a simple truth that we learn as little kids in Sunday School. It may sound strange, but I believe this more than ever right now. Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I have never had so much anger. Yes, I am working through some serious trust issues with God. I have never questioned God or something I think I believe in so much. My life is in complete shambles but the fact remains that God is the same perfect God he was 2 months ago.

I used to hate it when people would say, "God never said being a Christian wouldn't be hard."  Why not? Why would he make our lives seem so hopeless sometimes? Why would a God that seems to love us allow such grief? What kind of God would do that?  I will tell you right now, from personal experience, that if life was good all the time, I wouldn't need God. Why would I need him if I have everything? For me, I have realized that He has been a God of convenience.  Still, I can't escape the finality that my little girl is gone. What kind of thing could come from this that would make it worth it? I don't know and I don't think it is possible, but I have faith in a God that could someday show me.


  1. Tim you continue to amaze me. I definitely have a soft spot in my heart for you. =) I remember having the exact same thoughts when my dad died. I was terrified something was going to happen to Justin and determined not to lose Gracie, I was a few months pregnant with her. I never allowed myself to look forward to anything because I thought it probably wouldn't happen anyway and I didn't want to be crushed again. Nothing in this life was very appealing anymore. I imagine you and Ali are scared to look ahead and dream about life because it hurts too much and the "what-ifs" are reality now and it is a nightmare you never want to go through again. I like to listen to the Laura Hackett version of "Worth It All" because at the end of the song she changes the words from "It's gonna be worth it" to "You are worth it". I think our human minds try to figure out what on this earth could possibly be worth the most painful loss imaginable and to us, the answer is 'nothing'. But when I think about the words "You are worth it" I am reminded that we are living for His glory, whatever comes along our path. I can't comprehend that or put a specific name or face or event to what made it "worth it" - that seems impossible and even cruel. But He is worth our everything, living for the kingdom of heaven. I know you and Ali will keep living. You are already bringing hope and healing to people you don't even know. I talked to someone the other day who read Ali's last post. She doesn't know you but she said it completely changed the way she thought about heaven and how we should all be homesick for it. Your roots are deep, planted by the river. You are drinking deep from the water that never runs dry. You will keep producing delicious fruit (Jeremiah 17:7&8). Love always, Jaymi

  2. Oh my goodness - I am bawling my eyes out - for you, Tim, and at Jaymi's comments. Both of you so young, and yet you have gone through the "valley of the shadow of death" and it has not consumed you - though it comes close to doing so! You have lost a child, Jaymi has lost a father, I have lost a husband, and we have been "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abondoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.." 2 Cor. 4:8,9)Death is real - as Ali said in her blog - we can't be naive anymore! Because it has happened, we fear it happening again - and can't comprehend that! But that fear will give way to trust - you will be able to breathe again - and to trust Him - because of hope - and by believing that there is some-thing and some-One that is greater than our hearts and bigger than all of this, and who is able to keep us until that Day! One glorious, glorious Day! But for now - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:8) When you are weak - He is strong. He will keep you. And we will keep praying for you and for His grace.


    Dear Tim and Allison, I cry as I read your post. I cry for the pain you are both enduring having your precious Quinn leave you….but, only in the physical sense. She IS with you. She surrounds you now and always. Though you did not want it this way and it is so unfair, she was called to be an angel for reasons that are beyond our comprehension and it leaves you scared. I understand that you are afraid. After our baby daughter, Jessica, died fifteen years ago, I was almost certain that because our worst fear came true, that we would most certainly have another special person taken from us. Hard as this is for others to hear, I remember having a deep fear that God would take our other daughters from us as well. In fact, it was just like I planned on it. He took my precious daughter to be with Him, so I learned that bad things happen to good people. As a result, I felt extremely vulnerable and felt it could easily happen again. When you describe your fears…I can so relate and it took me back to that time for us. I am so deeply sorry that you are having to endure this. One simply asks, “Why?” and it takes so much faith, patience, and going through deep grief to try to simply exist and try to gain sense of all of the trauma you are going through.
    This blog is a beautiful tribute to precious Quinn and a wonderful support for you and others. What a wonderful, special way to allow your angel’s memory to continue on for others to enjoy. The pictures and music links you included are simply precious. As I read the words on your post and marvel at the beautiful pictures and video of Quinn, I can feel the love you have for your baby. This site and the words you shared with Jim and I a few weeks ago simply exude grace. You have been forced to deal with a parent’s worst nightmare and you are doing so with amazing grace and dignity which honors Quinn in the most precious way possible.
    On the day we met you, I recall sharing with you that people often just don’t know the right words to say when trying to help you with your grief. Despite having traveled a similar path, I find myself struggling for the right words to help the two of you. All I can say for now is that you continue to be in our thoughts and prayers and I wish I could take away the deep pain you are having to face day to day…moment to moment.
    I see you have found some music that is special to you. The above link takes you to a song that was sung at our precious Jessica’s funeral, I BelieveThere are Angels Among Us. I listened to this song oh…so many times. The lyrics in this song cemented that fact that my baby, as well as Quinn, are now truly angels that are among us every single day. Quinn surrounds you constantly. She is in your heart. She is in every breath you take. Her heavenly presence is now continually surrounding you. Knowing that…is what finally helped bring some peace to us and I pray for peace for the both of you.
    Karen & Jim Kayl