By Quinn's Dad
Are you afraid? I am. I am so afraid that I don't know how to live on. The thing that I cared for the most in this world has been taken from me. If you would have asked me a month and a half ago what I feared most, it would have been Quinn dying. I am living out my worst fear, my nightmare. The one that wakes you up screaming and sweating in the middle of the night. Now, everything scares me. Getting in the car I think, "What if I get in an accident? Will Ali be OK here alone?" What if I wake up next to Ali and she doesn't wake up. I am just waiting for the next tragedy to hit. I already can't stand living without my little girl, how am I supposed to get through life that is filled with this kind of pain and suffering? And please listen and believe that this will not be the last thing I suffer. I know and expect this and it scares me.
Then, I remember the one thing that comforts me, the one thing that I simply cannot ignore... Jesus Loves Me. It is a simple truth that we learn as little kids in Sunday School. It may sound strange, but I believe this more than ever right now. Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I have never had so much anger. Yes, I am working through some serious trust issues with God. I have never questioned God or something I think I believe in so much. My life is in complete shambles but the fact remains that God is the same perfect God he was 2 months ago.
I used to hate it when people would say, "God never said being a Christian wouldn't be hard." Why not? Why would he make our lives seem so hopeless sometimes? Why would a God that seems to love us allow such grief? What kind of God would do that? I will tell you right now, from personal experience, that if life was good all the time, I wouldn't need God. Why would I need him if I have everything? For me, I have realized that He has been a God of convenience. Still, I can't escape the finality that my little girl is gone. What kind of thing could come from this that would make it worth it? I don't know and I don't think it is possible, but I have faith in a God that could someday show me.