Thursday, August 16, 2012

Jesus Wept

And Jesus wept (John 11:35). Words that mean so much more to me now that tears are such a regular part of life for me. My soul, mind, and body all long to see Quinn, to have her near me. I carried her for 9 months, went through 28 hours of labor to be with her, I spent 24 hours a day caring for her... she is a part of me. I feel like someone took a chainsaw to me and cut out a huge chunk of me and now I am hurt, raw, with some of my most intimate parts for the whole world to see. I know I will eventually heal, but it will take a long time, I will forever have a scar, and it will never be the same.  C.S. Lewis in "A Grief Observed" relates grief of losing a loved one to losing a leg... yes it will heal, but nothing is the same again- not the way you put on your shoes or pants, not the way you walk or stand, nothing. You will never again be known as a biped.

That is another aspect of my grieving- over the loss of who I used to be... trusting, sarcastic, naive.  And the loss of who my husband used to be. We will never be the same. We can't be...part of us is missing. My prayer is that Tim & I will be better versions of our selves after this, but the verdict will be out for quite some time on that. Sue Monk Kidd in "When the Heart Waits" describes the word crisis as "a holy summons to cross a threshold. It involves both leaving behind and a stepping toward, a separation and an opportunity." Tim & I are at that threshold. Isaiah 43:2-3 states:
                 "When you pass through the waters,
                   I will be with you;
                  And when you pass through the rivers,
                  they will not sweep over you.
                  When you walk through the fire,
                  you will not be burned;
                  the flames will not set you ablaze.
                 For I am the Lord, your God,
                 the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Tim & I are the definition of walking through the fire and as much as I want to walk around it, or jump over it or just stand still, I can't- but i have to keep reminding myself that MY LORD, MY GOD is walking me through it. That he knows what is on the other side. See... In the story of Lazarus when Jesus wept- he knew the ending of the story. He knew what he was about to do. He knew Lazarus would be resurrected.  Jesus wasn't weeping because Lazarus was dead. He was weeping because he saw how much hurt and pain Mary & Martha were in. He wept because he knew they couldn't see the whole picture, they didn't know the ending, they couldn't see what was on the other side of the fire. He empathizes with them. He is fully God and knows all things and how they will work out, but He is also fully human understanding our pain- hurting with the people he loves dearly.

When Quinn first passed away Tim & I poured over 2 Samuel 12 when David loses his first child and the verse that struck both of us is when David said, "Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."  I will go to be with Quinn someday, but she will NEVER return to me. That hurts. Children are supposed to run to their mothers. I know someday I will run to her, but that is not the way it is supposed to be. And that is why Jesus wept. Because to Quinn it will just be but a moment and she'll be reunited with her mommy and daddy, but Jesus knows it will seem like and will be a lifetime for me.

I have said in the past that death doesn't scare me because I know where I am going. But now, in hindsight, I think I was just saying that because that is what Christians are expected to say. But I can say to you today that Heaven has never seemed more real to me. It is sad that is takes something earthly for me to declare that, but it is what it is. I CANNOT wait to get to Heaven and run to my babies (Tim & I had a miscarriage before Quinn). To have that first time when you meet your child here on Earth is such a heavenly experience, but to meet my first child in heaven will be surreal. But mostly when I think about heaven, I think about Quinn. I think about holding her again and singing to her, I guess singing with her praises to the King. And knowing that I won't cry for her anymore and that I'll never have to say goodbye to her again, but that we will be together for eternity. It seems so far far away, when all I want to do is hold her now. But it makes me look forward to Heaven more than ever before. It makes me more thankful than ever of what Jesus did to make that possible and ironically God- who watched his only son die so that one day I may be reunited with my own children. Until then, I am homesick.


  1. Oh, Alison, Your words are heartbreakingly beautiful. Quinn was surely a joy and delight and I am amazed at your strength. We continue to pray for you and your family...and enjoy CO. What a wonderful place to feel God's presence.

  2. Ali - your heart is amazing. He is near to you and to Tim. I am praying for you both and love you so much.

  3. I am so touched and inspired by your words to follow my faith more strongly and with more courage of conviction than ever before. I know we are no longer neighbors, but you are always close in my thoughts.

  4. Oh Ali - your tender heart and the depths of your faith shine so brightly. In Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 we read "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure." Many years ago now through Loren's illness & death - many in our family came to faith in Christ. I remember when your Mom & Dad gave their hearts to Jesus at that time - and the legacy of faith that has been handed down to you for "such a time as this". God has been working in both you and Tim's hearts - such love and tears mingled together - and a willingness to keep your hearts stayed on Him through this deep trial. Thank you for sharing - it is so beautiful! Love you!

  5. Tim and Ali, I continue to pray for your healing and am touched by the sharing of your journey. I remember how welcomed and blessed I felt by you guys as I joined lifegroup, thank you for helping me see your love and passion for the Lord so that it may grow in me. Please let me know if I can return the blessing to you in any way. Love always, Tara :)

  6. Ali, thanks for sharing your heart. It is beautiful. Our hearts continue to break with yours. These crisis situations tend to draw us closer to God or push us farther from Him. Praise the Lord for drawing you closer to Him. We'll continue to pray over you and Tim. May God continue to restore you two. Much love friend

  7. Tim and Allison: I have thought about and prayed for you many times over the past few weeks. I too have loved writing and sharing my thoughts first with caring bridge and now a blog. It is healing and I hope that it is healing for you too. Prayers for your family.

  8. Ali,
    "This world is not my home I'm just passing through
    my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
    the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
    and I can't feel at home in this world anymore"
    Your post reminded me of this old gospel song. Your treasure is up in Heaven. ..." where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Your heart is pointed pointed heavenward what a beautiful safe place to be. I love your closing thought... "Until then, I am homesick."
    You post touched me and encouraged me in my own journey heavenward this morning. Thank You.

  9. We lost a baby last November 1st, one I was 28 weeks pregnant with. I only know of you through Dorothy,and I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine. The Holy spirit is the only comforter who can hold someone together while they feel like they are falling apart. Our baby's name that died is Vision Nevaeh Brunz, which means "heaven's perspective" I knew before birth that she had already been there, and that we would need that, the heavenly perspective that she had. The day that I gave birth and buried her, God gave me a promise " that I would have another girl and her name would mean "victory". I had a miscarriage with my first baby too, so this promise would be our 3rd girl and I have been hanging on to this promise because it's so scary to be pregnant after loosing one so late in pregnancy. Our new baby's heart started beating on Vision's due date, the one I am 35 weeks pregnant with right now. Her name and (I am really hoping I heard right and that it's a she) is Victoria Elizabeth, meaning "God has promised victory". I am telling you all this because while I was reading your blog, I felt in my heart that you too will have victory and have it soon. Everything the enemy meant for evil will be turned against him and you and your husband's lives will be so effective for eternity that the earth will never be the same, because your baby lived, because you now live with eternity fresh in mind every time you think about your baby.

  10. My sister Rachel shared your blog information with me. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, Quinn was a gorgeous baby and it's evident how loved she was.
    I remember our pastor saying something similar regarding walking through grief at Lily's funeral, that although it's something we'd rather rush through. The Bible reminds us we have to walk through it. I also remember crying every day and wondering if I'd ever get to a point where tears wouldn't be a part of my day to day routine. Thankfully they are and you're right time really was the only thing that helped but you both absolutely will never be the same. It changes how you view so much in life, in difficult times I always think it could be worse because really nothing is worse then losing your child and after you've lived through that well everything pales in comparison.
    Also wanted to share with you one of my very dear friends Tiffany's blog. She lost her son Julius to SIDS at 4 1/2mths old only 3 months after we lost Lily. The first is her personal blog and the second is an organization she helped to start to provide support to other families impacted by SIDS...
    Sending thoughts and love your way and prayers for strength in the moments you need it most and support when you need to be carried.

  11. Alison, I was directed to your blog by Rebecca. I can not tell you how much my heart aches to hear that you have lost your precious Quinn. Our son and 1st born Julius passed away in 2010. SIDS is cruel. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to email me ( Thinking of Quinn and praying for you both. ((hugs))

  12. Alison, Tom and I remember you as a middle schooler at Grace E Free in Eagle Grove, and it's hard for us to realize you're all grown up and married! We were so sorry to hear of your loss and the incredible pain you and Tim are walking through. The only thing to say is that we--like so many people--are praying for you.
    "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the for." (Psalm 61:2-3)