Quinn's 2nd Birthday

We turned the calendar to March yesterday and it's amazing how much weight was in that page we flipped. I knew this would never be easy, but I thought I might be in a different place this year. But it feels just as unfair as it always has. I think of how our life would be different with a two year old running around our house. I try to picture what Quinn would look like and it's all so heartbreaking. I have tried to write a blog all week about Quinn's Birthday and words escape me. I just want to avoid thinking about it, because it hurts too much. But just as I said last year, Quinn's birthday is not about me. It is about Quinn and what she was to me. She deserves more. I have this little light and I would be keeping it to myself. I have said time and time again that I just want my daughter to be known. I just want her life to affect others and if I stay in bed on the day she was born, her life and what she was to me stays in bed for the day and she deserves more than that.

People have asked me if I have any stories to tell about Quinn and it is such a hard question because she was 4 1/2 months old. She wasn't moving around on her own, she wasn't talking, her life consisted mostly of eating, sleeping, and observing the world around her. So I only have a handful of specific memories or stories about Quinn and they are some of my greatest treasures. But one in particular is my favorite. Quinn was 9 days old and she had only been home a few days. I had just fed her in the early morning hours and was rocking her back to sleep. She was a little fussy. So I started singing to her. My dad was up with me and watching tenderly as I sat with my daughter singing her a lullaby. I started singing "Smile" by Nat King Cole. I have no idea why that is what I sang to her but I just kept thinking I want her to know that she might feel like crying, but I just want to see her smile, so I began singing...

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though its breaking

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile 

If you just smile...

A few lines into the song, the most amazing thing started happening. Quinn started humming along with me. Now, obviously it wasn't to the tune, it was just the same note. But when I stopped singing, she stopped humming and when I started back up she started back up. I looked over at my dad and his eyes were glassed over and he said, "That is amazing, she's trying to sing with you!" I sang the song 3 times and she sang with me 2 times. The third time my dad had found the camera and tried to record it, but it's like she knew she was being recorded and fell asleep the 3rd time through. We never did get it on camera, but I won't forget it never the less. I have probably thought about that memory 250 times since she died. And analyzed every angle of it and I wonder if she wasn't singing it to me. If she knew I would need the words of that song in the coming months. But it has also spoken to me lately with her birthday. It will be my anthem of getting through that day and I will imagine Quinn singing me through it.

I have prayed about it and we have debated over whether we would do our "Celebrate Quinncidence"  a second year and we felt that it really carried us through a really tough day. But I would be doing a disservice if I didn't mention our ultimate source of strength that will really carry us through, Jesus Christ. This was the verse I read yesterday in my quiet time that is my theme verses for the day:

"Share your food with the hungry and bring poor, homeless people into your own homes.
When you see someone who has no clothes, give him yours, and don't refuse to help your own relatives.
Then your light will shine like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. 
Your God will walk before you, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind.
Then you will call out, and the LORD will answer. 
You will cry out and he will say, 'Here I am'."                                        (Isaiah 58:6-9)

We have decided to do Celebrate Quinncidence again this year. Using the money we would have spent on presents, cake, and decorations for Quinn on others who need it through random acts of kindness. Your acts don't have to be big, you could write a nice note to someone who you appreciate, pay for someone's gas, coffee, or groceries, leave a big tip for a waiter, leave quarters on a vending machine or car wash, put flowers on someone's car, bring donuts to work, etc. I am opening this up my school, Washington High School, as well and will kick it off at the end of the week there, We were so blessed by the friends, family, and strangers who joined us in celebrating Quinn's birthday last year and we would be honored to have you join us in blessing the lives of others on Wednesday March 12th. Here is the link to the post last year: Celebrate Quinncidence .  Sioux Falls Education Association has offered to make a Facebook page where people could post their pictures and acts they did: https://www.facebook.com/quinncidencemarch12. Thank you SFEA. For those of you not on Facebook, post your acts in the comments below and I will take a few of these pictures and do a blog post with them on Thursday March 13th. And please keep us in your prayers for an abundance of grace this next week and a sense of peace in a time that feels so unfair. Thank you everyone in advance.

Shameless Audacity

Have you ever watched a great battle scene in a movie and imagined what you would do? What kind of strategy would you have? I have and it always involves me playing dead. I would lay on the battlefield and play dead until the enemy passed and then I would cut his Achilles Tendon. I guess that is why I haven't blogged in 3 months. The battle of grief and unanswered prayer is still waging in my life and instead of fighting it I have metaphorically "played dead" the past couple of months- especially when it comes to prayer. I don't know what to pray because I feel like I have said it all in a thousand different ways. God definitely knows the desires of my heart, and part of me thinks He already knows what He's going to do, right? Are my prayers really going to change things? I prayed and cried out to God for a baby and I got Quinn.  The night she died in my arms, my entire family cried out for Him to save her, cried out for a miracle and God let her die. And now I have prayed in a million different ways for Him to give us another child and every month I am let down. It is hard not to question if prayer works. It seems this year has been one giant wrestling match with God and I finally yelled "uncle!" That's when the silence came in my prayer life and yet, my questions to God about unanswered prayer have only grown stronger. The issue of unanswered prayer has been tugging at my heart strings so much that I have begun searching like an archaeologist in search of a rare treasure. The Bible verses that have struck me most are:

Luke 18:1-8
Then Jesus used this story to teach his followers that they should always pray and never lose hope. "In a certain town there was a judge who did not respect God or care about people. In that same town there was a widow who kept coming to this judge, saying, 'Give me my rights against my enemy.' For a while the judge refused to help her. But afterwards, he thought to himself, 'Even though I don't respect God or care about people, I will see that she gets her rights. Otherwise she will continue to bother me until I am worn out.'"  The Lord said, "Listen to what the unfair judge said. God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them."

Luke 11:5-10
Then Jesus said to them, "Suppose one of you went to your friend's house at midnight and said to him, 'Friend, loan me three loaves of bread. A friend of mine has come into town to visit me, but I have nothing for him to eat.' Your friend inside the house answers, 'Don't bother me! The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything.' I tell you, if friendship is not enough to make him get up to give you the bread, your shameless audacity will make him get up and give you whatever you need. So I tell you, ask, and God will give to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will open for you. Yes, everyone who asks will receive. And everyone who knocks will have the door opened."

Both of these verses seem to go against everything I know. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So to me- continually saying the same prayer over and over again is insane. Yet, there is a secret in both of these verses that tells us there is something God desires in continuing to ask and I think it lies in what it does to our hearts.
I remember when I was younger I loved the story of Aladdin. A poor boy who stumbles upon a genie in a lamp. Aladdin gets 3 wishes, but in the end, the story is so inspiring because the genie becomes more than a vending machine on steroids, he becomes a friend. The story goes beyond having all our wishes granted into an enduring relationship.  How many times have I used God like my own personal genie? And if He doesn't give me what I want, what good is He to me? Like his chief purpose is to grant my wishes. Jerry Sittser writes:  "I am learning that my natural inclination is to use God, not to love God. I am like a spiritual junkie. I want the quick fix that answered prayer can provide. Once I get what I want, I return to my normal state of spiritual indolence. Unanswered prayer can actually serve to fan the flame of spiritual desire to know God as my supreme end in life."
Maybe the story of Jacob in Genesis 32:22-32 can teach us something about what God values in the asking. Jacob is about to go back home to face some of the "demons" of his past but the night before he reaches home the Bible tells an interesting story of Jacob wrestling with a heavenly being/God throughout the night until the sun came up. Jerry Sittser finishes the story best in his book When God Doesn't Answer your Prayer: "The divine being finally seized the advantage by putting Jacob's leg out of joint which caused Jacob to limp for the rest of his life. Then he gave Jacob a new name, "Israel." It is a peculiar name, and not particularly complimentary. Yet the name reflects a quality of character that God values. It literally means, 'one who strives with God.' Jacob was a fighter, so that became his name- and not only his name, but also the name of God's chosen people."
Persistence is the key theme interwoven though the middle of each of these stories. Maybe because "it takes one to know one." The Bible is full of stories and parables all leading back to a God that continually chases after his people like a loving groom wooing his wayward bride. Jerry Sittser continues, "That is what God looks for in us. He wants us to strive with him, as he does with us. To wrestle with him as if our life depended on it, because it probably does. To persist in prayer, no matter how much the odds are stacked against us. To refuse to take "no" for an answer from God, just as God has refused to take "no" for an answer from us, no matter how long and hard we have resisted him. It is the least we can do, what God has done for us, what love requires and prayer demands."
So that is my new year's resolution. To pray with persistence. To come before the Lord with "shameless audacity." To convince my God like he daily convinces me and maybe somewhere in the wrestling, something beautiful and unexpected will happen. He will stop being my genie and become my groom. That I will go against my spiritual inclination of using God and start loving God.

Thanking God in the Wilderness

Barren is defined as a land too poor to produce much or any vegetation; a place that is bleak or lifeless.  I feel like God has dropped me off in a barren desert and left me here. A couple of weeks ago we sang this song in church and the chorus states, "Not for a moment, did you forsake me. After all, you are only good." And my heart and mouth would not sing it, I could only sob because I can't believe those words. To be completely honest, deep down I believe that I was forsaken by God. That He took my trust and crushed it in an instant. I can not say, with full belief that God is good. I know what the Bible says, I know what I've been taught over the years, but I can't help what my heart keeps telling me.
And because of this belief, something has crept in to my heart, a silent toxin that slowly oozes its ugliness onto everything... bitterness. I once read somewhere that bitterness follows unwanted experiences- failures, disappointment, set backs- that are perceived to be beyond our control.  It occurs when we believe that other people could have prevented the undesirable outcome. It is one step more complex than anger... it is anger plus helplessness. In the beginning I prayed against this bitterness and because I didn't experience it much in the first year, I felt protected from it, but the moment you think you are above something, that's when Satan sees your weakness and attacks. Bitterness has oozed its way in to my life by means of the other definition of barrenness. We are going on a year of trying to have another baby, with no success, and I can feel the bitterness creeping up- a student who didn't want to get pregnant has a baby, Facebook pictures of ultrasounds or kids birthdays, and I can hear my inner monologue saying, "Well isn't that just great for you."

I wish I could tell you that I am beyond this, that this character flaw is in my past. I wish I could just be a forgiving child and run to my Father in Heaven whenever I felt this way, but because I feel like God has forsaken me, like God doesn't love me, like all my trust in Him is gone, a painfully apparent division has formed  in our relationship and it makes this ultimately worse. I was talking to my mom on the phone the other night about some of my feelings and she said something that I've heard a hundred times in my life, but spoke to me in a different way this time. She said, "I know that those things seem true to you about God right now, but remember, 'We walk by faith, not by sight.'" And it struck me that by sight it may seem like God isn't good, that he doesn't love me, that he has forsaken me, but I need to go back to the Bible and write down what it says to the contrary and meditate on those verses until I can believe them again.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."                                                            Deuteronomy 31:6

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with an unfailing kindness."        Jeremiah 31:3

"But Zion said, 'The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.'
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hand."             Isaiah 49:14-16

"I will make rivers flow on barren heights and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs."                                                                           Isaiah 41:18

And as I am reading these verses it hits me. What has gotten into me that I have forgotten this steadfast love? Isn't this where all our sin originates? From the belief that God isn't good, that he has withheld something from us? In the garden- in perfect unity with God- Adam conveys ingratitude with his actions. One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voscamp states this so pointedly:

"I wake up and put feet to the plank floors and I believe the serpent's hissing lie, the repeating refrain of his campaign through the ages. God isn't Good. It's the cornerstone of his movement. That God withholds good from His children, that God does not genuinely, fully, love us... I say no to what He's given. I thirst for some roborant, some elixir, to relieve the anguish of what I've believed: God isn't good. God doesn't love me."

I am now painfully aware of how much I need to repent... repent of my jealousy, my coveting, repent of secretly desiring bad things to happen to other people so someone out there is more miserable than me, so I won't be alone. I want God to take away this bitterness and fill it with a sweet fragrance. I want Him to take this unhappiness and replace it with a joy that can not be shaken. I am sorry... sorry I am hard to be around, sorry if you have had good things happen in your life lately and you are scared to tell me or I have not reacted like you would've liked. To repent literally means to turn away. This bitterness is bigger than me so I will have to choose to turn from this daily. Sometimes I will fail, but if I make this public- it will hold me accountable. If I am turning away from bitterness then I am turning toward something. What am I turning towards? Gratitude. As I enter the months leading into Thanksgiving I have been reading One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp which encourages us to enter into Eucharisteo (or the act of thanksgiving). She uses the verse in 1 Corrinthians 11:23-24:

"On the night when He was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it."

See even when he knew the terror that was about to ensue, my Jesus thanked his Father...

"The act of sacrificing thank offerings to God- even for the bread and cup of cost, for cancer and crucifixion- this prepares the way for God to show us His fullest salvation from bitter, angry, resentful lives and from all that sin estranges us from Him."

Why haven't I seen this before? It is scattered throughout the Bible. The Lord's call to the Israelites was a call to worship and serve him in the wilderness (Exodus 7:16). Jesus' greatest challenge was to remain faithful when he was led into the desert to be tempted and the last thing he said in the desert was "You must worship the Lord your God and serve only him," (Matthew 4:10). Thankfulness is not just when things are going well, but the secret to a full life is when, in faith, we give thanks, despite what life throws at us.
Habakkuk 3:17-18 states:

"Fig trees may not grow figs, and there may be no grapes on the vines. There may be no olives growing and no food growing in the fields. There may be no sheep in the pens and no cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad in the Lord; I will rejoice in God my Savior."

Two Months from tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. In light of the scripture God has led me to, lately, I have decided, starting tomorrow, to find 2 things each day that I am thankful for and write them down, maybe even take pictures of them. It could be something big like my amazing family or the little things that bitterness tries to steal the joy from like sun shining through my curtains in the morning. I will not make it public on Facebook or Instagram but it will be like secret love notes of thanks to my Savior each day. My prayer is that by Thanksgiving, thankfulness will not be a choice, but my natural reaction to each day, that in repentance I will turn from bitterness toward thankfulness.

A Year in Review

A year ago I wrote my first blog entry. Some days I think this grieving process has been so slow, that I haven't made it very far at all. But when I think back on that first blog, I remember I was in the deepest darkest place and I realize how far I have come. That step by step I have begun the healing process and that I have learned so much over the last year. Many times we learn from experience, but we can also learn a great deal from others who have traveled a journey that we might not have been given. So I thought I would write what I have learned this first year.

*Please know when reading this that I wrote this as what I have learned on my personal journey through grieving. Also, I did not write this with anyone in mind. *

What have I learned from Year 1...
1. There are good gifts and there are not-so-good gifts. Sorry to all of you who might feel offended by this, and I would've been in your same boat and given the same gifts had I not been here. After Quinn died we had so many cards and gifts pour in. All of which really were so thoughtful and I really do appreciate but when all was said and done, I was left with a storage room full of statues, figurines, and plaques that had some cutsie quote about losing loved ones. Those quotes are fine in cards, but having them around your house is a constant reminder that my child is dead and I was left not knowing what to do with them. Also, stuffed animals are not a gift you give to someone who lost their only child.  Good gifts were more practical- stamps, food, and gift cards for restaurants. To tell you the truth, some of the most meaningful things we received were heartfelt notes and cards. In the end, it really is the thought that counts.

2. You will not survive something like this in isolation. It is good to surround yourself with good people as a general rule, but look at the people you spend time with. Would they drop everything to help you? Will they be sparse when life is not one big ball of fun? I have been a less than desirable person to hang around with this year. I hate surface conversations, avoid talking about kids, and trying to make me laugh... forget about it. But I had friends, family, and co-workers who went beyond the awkwardness to truly be with me, encourage me, and love me through this dark year.

3.You have to do the hard stuff. You have to let yourself grieve... EVERYTHING.  If I had to title this year it might be titled "Trudging Through the Tough Stuff: All the Firsts." First time holding a baby, first time in Quinn's room, first time back at the hospital, first time someone asks you if you have kids... the list is so long the first year it is exhausting. The anxiety leading up to it is the worst, but I felt so relieved after it was done. That doesn't mean the 2nd time isn't hard, but it gets just a little better every time. Most people would tell me, "You don't have to do that." But I did. Because maybe today I don't have to, but at some point I will and then it might be harder or people won't be as supportive when you are breaking down doing something 10 years later. The longer you wait to do things that scare you, the more they take hold- they almost become an idol. Doing all this made the first year extremely hard, but it reminded me of Jerry Sittser's quote from one of my first entries, "The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise." If I delay the hard stuff, I delay the grieving process.

4. Do not say you are praying for someone unless you really are. I am fully convinced prayers are what got me through this year, what got me out of bed each day. I didn't miss one day of school this year and I know it was because of prayer. I don't take it lightly. I heard, "I'm praying for you" so often that I cringed when I heard is sometimes because I thought, "Are your really praying for me or are you just saying that because it sounds nice?" If you say you are praying for someone, do it, because a lot of times they are counting on those prayers.

5. Do not be a fair weather friend to God. I am so thankful I grew up in a home that emphasized scripture because there were many days I couldn't open my Bible, but scripture I had learned as a child came to mind and got me through some really hard times. I can remember wanting nothing more, when I got home, than to spend time in the Word. My Bible is what got me through those times. This process would have been a lot slower had I not already had the foundation I did. It was like preparing me for the battle. Tim said the other day, "I have learned no matter how hard life gets, you will survive if you have a foundation in God." This is not to say that the pain isn't real, and that God makes you feel any better but he is our only hope.  The only hope we have of eternal life, a life with no suffering, reuniting with Quinn.  Without that comfort, life seems pretty dire.

6.You might think, "I don't know if I should say something to them about how they are doing or feeling.  What if they are having a really good day?" I found (and I know not everyone is like this) that I appreciated people who said something more than people who ignored the elephant in the room. I'm already thinking about Quinn 24 hours a day so bringing her up isn't like you just reminded me of it. Ignoring it sometimes felt like people were belittling what I went through like life should just move on. Sometimes people didn't say the right thing, but my perspective was "where love abounds, grace abounds." I had to have a lot of grace for people because they were just saying it because they loved me and didn't know how to express it. Which brings me to my last lesson for this entry which I feel really strongly about:

7. Do not reduce holy mysteries to slogans. So many times people don't know what to say so they came up with something cliche. Most of the time I had grace for them. But I want you to know, there is nothing you can say that will fix this. There is nothing you can say that can solve this holy mystery.  For example people would say, "God just needed another angel". How do you know that? I don't know why Quinn died. I don't know if God did it, or allowed it, or Satan won some battle. I won't ever know for sure. There are some things that are just a mystery.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 states:
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how a body is formed in a mother's womb, so you can not understand the work of God, the maker of all things."

Job 11:7&8:
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? They are higher than the heavens- what can you do? They are deeper than the depth of the grave- what can you know?"

I like how the Message translates the following verses:
Matthew 7:6
"Don't be flip with the sacred....Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege."

Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God."

I have learned that I don't have all the answers, none of us do. Sometimes we just have to accept that God is higher than us, that he knows the whole story. And we must "enter into the mystery, abandoning ourselves to God."

A Running Leap Into the Deep

William Taylor once wrote, "The strength of the vessel can be demonstrated only by the hurricane, and the power of the gospel can be fully shown only when the Christian is subjected to some fiery trial. If God would make manifest the fact that 'He giveth songs in the night', He must first make it night."  As I sit and reflect on the last year of our life, I could definitely call it "the night". A time of darkness and despair, a time of not seeing light in the distance. The gospel I have believed in since before I can remember has been more than subjected to a fiery trial. Hebrews 11:1 states:

      "Faith is being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it."

Faith is a hard thing to come by these days. Faith that God is real, Faith that God is good- all the time, Faith that He loves me, Faith that the things I hope for will come. Jesus said to Doubting Thomas in John 20:29

      "You believe because you see me. Those who believe without truly seeing me will be blessed."

And I want to be that person. The one who believes without the need to see anything, but I find myself so many times praying, "JUST SHOW UP!" Jesus' disciple, Peter, has been on my mind a lot lately. I keep coming back to 2 stories involving him. The first is when Jesus walks on the water to the boat his disciples are in (Matt. 14:22-36). The man whom they believe is the Messiah is doing something truly amazing and the first thing Peter says is, "Lord, if it is really you, then command me to come to you on the water." WHAT?! That is the last thing this wimp would say, but his doubt resonates withing me. It is a doubt I can relate to because he is testing the waters (literally) but also has great faith all wrapped up in this one statement. If Peter didn't have faith in this man he wouldn't  have walked on the water, but he also wouldn't have walked on the water unless he doubted Him either. The next part of the story really gets me. Jesus simply says "Come." This tells me even in my doubt with the stormy sea raging around me, he reaches out his hand to me  and says, "Come". And Peter does it. That is faith at its finest! But when he sees the wind and waves he becomes afraid and starts sinking. Matthew 14:31-33 states:

       "He shouted, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught Peter. Jesus said,
       'Your faith is small. Why did you doubt?' After they got in the boat, the wind became calm. Then those
        who were in the boat worshiped Jesus and said 'Truly you are the Son of God.'"

I wonder why Jesus didn't calm the wind until after they got back into the boat? He so easily could have made it easier on Peter. But I find the strength of the "vessel" is tested by the "hurricane". And through both Peter's doubt and faith Jesus was glorified in the end.

The second story I've been coming back to comes at the end of the gospels, John 21:1:

           "'I'm going out to fish,' Peter told them, and they said, 'We'll go with you.' so they went out and got
             into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore,
             but the disciples did not realize that is was Jesus. He called out to them, 'Friends haven't you caught
             any fish?' 'No,' they answered. He said, 'Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will
             find some.' When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
             Then John said to Peter, 'It is the Lord!' As soon as Peter heard him say 'It is the Lord,' he wrapped
             his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water."

I love to see how far Peter has come... that wild abandonment. This time he leaps into the water after Jesus. Even more, what speaks to me in this story is that Jesus still wanted to fulfill the desires of their hearts and give them fish- he wasn't saying, "No", he was simply saying, "Follow me and the rest will fall into place." I have felt lately that God doesn't want to give me the desires of my heart. And in turn it has effected how I feel about his love for me and even more the faith I have in him. But this spoke to my heart that He isn't saying "No" he is saying, "Follow me and the rest will fall into place."

So today I choose to step out of the boat and onto the raging waters that surround me, to test the power of this gospel. Jesus hasn't completely calmed the waves and wind rising around me and I will most likely sink at one time or another. But I am hoping and praying that one day I would be able to take a running leap into the deep with a wild abandonment after my savior.

Letting Go of the IF ONLY'S

I turned 30 this past weekend and it was a bit hard for me. It was hard because I am not where I wanted my life to be at 30. If you would've asked me at age 15 where my life would be at age 30 I would've said married with 2 children. I most definitely would not have said grieving the loss of my daughter who died just short of 5 months old. It is as if the perfect picture I had of my life in a beautiful frame just fell to the floor and shattered into a million pieces, so many pieces that there is no way of fixing it. So 30 takes on a whole new meaning as a milestone when it stops becoming a milestone and has now turned into a deadline. My deadline is up and I did not meet my target and that is a hard pill to swallow. It becomes even harder when I could; in fact I SHOULD have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

I have been reflecting a lot on time lately and how we humanly measure it. The chapter Ecclesiastes, in the Bible, kept coming to mind when thinking about how God thinks about Time so I decided to read it this week.  I originally read the chapter for chapter 3 the old Beatles song, "There is a time to be born, and a time to die... There is a time to cry and a time to laugh..." But the verse that came after that section in chapter 3 is what struck me this week. Ecclesiastes 3:11 states:

          "God has given them a desire to know the future. He does everything just right and on time, but
           people can never completely understand what he is doing."

This spoke to me because I often think if I just knew the future that would make this grieving process a whole lot easier. If God just told me that in 2 years I would find joy again, that I would have another child, that hearing people talk about their children wouldn't drive a knife into my heart, that would give me something to look forward to. But I am not alone. God has given us a desire to know the future. But in the future when I look back on this I will see that He did everything "just right and on time" even if right now I don't understand what he is doing.

Tim and I have also been really convicted about how we find contentment in this life. How do we rest in the stage of life we are in at the moment? As humans we are so fickle. We are driven by the "If Only's". First it is if only I had a job, then I would be happy, but then we get the job and instead of it bringing happiness we are onto the next "If Only". If only I was married and had someone to share this with, then I would be happy. Then we get married and we skip the happy and are onto the next "If Only". If only I had a child, a better house, could travel more- you fill in the blank for yourself. Tim and I have said we often think, "If only we had another child, things would get better." But I know plenty of people with children who are miserable. I don't want to continue this cycle in life until the day I am on my deathbed and then look back on my life thinking, "If only I would've found the joy at the stage I was at while I was there instead of looking forward to the next best thing, wishing my life away." In fact Ecclesiastes 5: 16 states:

             "This too is real misery: They leave just as they came. So what do they gain from chasing the wind?
              All they get are days full of sadness and sorrow, and they end up sick, defeated, and angry."

I am 30! And I've lived most of my life "chasing after the wind", thinking everyone who had the next thing I wanted possessed happiness. But the secret that Facebook and Instagram pictures don't show you is that behind that cute couple or beautiful family is a person who thinks that happiness is around the next stage in life. We are ALL chasing after the wind and if we take heed from the wisest man in history, we see the ending of the story... all we get from this are "days full of sadness and sorrow, ending up sick, defeated, and angry."
So tell me how I turn this ship around because that is not the direction I want my life going. Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 (The Message) gives us this gem of advice:
 
                  "After looking at the way things are on this earth, here's what I've decided is the best way to live:
                   Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as
                   long as God gives you life. And that's about it. That's the human lot. Yes, we should make the
                   most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what is given
                  and delighting in the work. It's God's gift! God deals out joy in the present, in the now."

It seems so easy. I need to take care of myself and I need to make the most of what God gives me, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it. I am not naive to the fact that this life brings sorrow and disappointment. But there is no use bringing more sorrow and disappointment to my life by chasing after the wind of my "If Only's". God has given me work, he has given me some really big and hard tasks, but my goal is to delight in the work.  And daily my goal is to remind myself that God is doing everything "just right and on time." And if I truly believe that, I can slowly start to let go of the "If Only's" and live knowing that He  is dealing out joy in the present, in the now. My only task is to open my eyes and find it, because it's there.

Just Enough

This week has been a hard week. I know I am making progress, but it feels like one step forward and two steps back and this week has been a week where it feels like we have taken two steps back. I still feel stuck in mud & miry clay, stuck in this grief. What makes this so hard is that I believe what the Bible says in Psalms 40:1-3:

" I waited patiently for the Lord; and he turned to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay. He stood me on a rock and made my feet steady. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many people will see this and worship him."

I believe with all my heart that He can lift me out of this pit I am in, but what hurts the most is that He hasn't. And my problem is, I don't always trust that He will. If I am truly being honest, I feel a little let down by God, abandoned by Him. It's really hard for me to believe that He loves me. Because this hand I've been dealt doesn't feel like love. I know how much I loved Quinn and I would never allow her to go through something like what I am going through if I had the power to stop it. I hear of 65 year olds who experience miracles of healing and instead of being amazed, it breaks my heart. Why didn't God choose Quinn to receive the miracle and live? It is humbling for me to write this for the whole world to read, but we are also trying to get pregnant again and it is taking a lot longer than expected and I hear my heart crying out to God, "Haven't we gone through enough? Can't something be easy?"

I was humbled when reading through Numbers 11 this week. The setting is the Israelites whom through Moses God brought out of slavery in Egypt are now wandering in the desert. They have been promised to be led to a land of Milk & Honey but they experience many set backs and continue to camp in a desolate area. There is no food in this area so God provides a miracle for them... Manna. Every morning a grain-like substance covers the ground to feed them.  And they are only given enough for the day. If they kept extra, it spoiled overnight. But after awhile, the Israelites start to complain. They miss the fruits & vegetables they were provided in Egypt and especially the meat. So they start to weep. I think when I heard this story when I was younger I thought that they were selfish. But now when I read it, I'm sure I would be one of the biggest complainers if I lived during that time. To eat the same food for 40 years sounds awful. I think the Israelites were feeling some of my same sentiments... abandoned, let down, questioning God's love and provision, knowing that God could provide more, but he wasn't. And yet, what the Israelites and I are both missing in the midst of it all is the miracle. God provided food for them in a desolate place. And He gave them exactly what they needed to make it through the day. And that is what I have to remind myself this week. That God is daily providing me a miracle of just making it through the day each day. Every day I think how am I going to make it through the next 50 years? And yet he gives me my Manna each day and I make it through another day. So this has been my prayer for the week, "Lord forgive me for my grumbling. Thank you for the miracle of getting me through the day with just enough. I know that many times I want more. But help me to be patient for the day when I will see what you have promised... the land of Milk & Honey."