The Beauty of Storms- Being Still

It started with a routine April rain, something that was supposed to happen. But then the wind started to blow and it got unusually cold. We woke up on Wednesday morning to a winter wonderland of icy trees. And Mother Nature didn't stop there, inches of ice began to accumulate and when She was done our city looked like a war zone. Trees that had been around 50 years were split down the middle, bending beneath the weight of the ice. And to add insult to injury the next night a fresh blanket of snow covered it all up. In all of my suffering these past months, I have been given a gift. I see things like this in a whole new light. Instead of being sad that we lost 3 trees, I see beauty in the way God works, artistry in many circumstances, poems made out of heartbreak. Every circumstance can be made into an analogy to teach me something, and this ice storm is no exception.

I have felt that I have come into a new season of grieving. I can feel that God is healing my heart ever so slowly. And just as the weather was starting to get warmer and the birds were starting to chirp. I could feel the ice that has formed around my heart, the ice that freezes anything good, the ice that burns and runs so deep, starting to slowly melt away. But just like you don't expect snow storms in April, my grief of losing someone so precious to me, sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I know for the most part that spring is coming, but I also know that unexpected ice storms will hit in the midst of this process. See, this wasn't supposed to happen. April is supposed to bring rain that helps trees bloom, not die. We are not supposed to have 3 snow days in the middle of April. Similarly, losing a child so suddenly was not supposed to happen. I am supposed to be spending my snow days with a child who is just starting to walk, not sitting in silence reflecting on life. And it is okay for me to grieve that. 

This storm has also reminded me of what William P. Young wrote about in his book The Shack:

“There is something joyful about storms that interrupt routine. Snow or freezing rain suddenly releases you from expectations, performance demands, and the tyranny of appointments and schedules. And unlike illness, it is largely a corporate rather than individual experience. One can almost hear a unified sigh rise from the nearby city and surrounding countryside where Nature has intervened to give respite to the weary humans slogging it out within her purview. All those affected this way are united by a mutual excuse, and the heart is suddenly and unexpectedly a little giddy. There will be no apologies needed for not showing up to some commitment or other. Everyone understands and shares in this singular justification, and the sudden alleviation of the pressure to produce makes the heart merry.”

If you didn't grow up in the Midwest you might not know that when we say the word snowday  it holds so much meaning. It is an excuse to be lazy. And during these last few days I have felt like God was reminding me to "Be Still." I said in an earlier post that I have started reading through the Old Testament and it has been hard to do blogs about what God is teaching me from reading through Leviticus... BUT when I read through Exodus last month I kept coming back to a verse that really spoke to me. The setting is the Israelites on their way out from hundreds of years in captivity in Egypt, being chased by their captors and coming to the Red Sea, feeling trapped. They say to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?" But it is not their panic that spoke to me most, but what Moses said in reply to them:

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

                                                                                                                                -Exodus 14:11-14

"Be Still and know that I am God."                                                                            -Psalm 46:10

It seems so simple, and yet we have such a hard time following it in our culture. Be Still. Yes, our city has been declared a state of emergency (my life is in a state of emergency). But the beauty is that it has reminded me that the Lord will fight for me. All I need to do is to be still and know that He is God.

A Climate of Joy

My students were doing a project the other day on emotions and one group asked me if joy and happiness were the same thing. I said for the project's sake it was, but to me they were not. That happiness is temporary, but that joy is everlasting. I think this peaked their interest because they started asking lots of questions. One boy said, "So, do you think you can be sad and joyful at the same time?" And I replied back with such certainty, "I KNOW you can be sad and joyful at the same time." They sat for a moment pondering this and I thought the conversation was over, but then the same boy turned to me and said, "So... happiness is like the weather, and joy is like the climate?" I looked at my student and smiled, "Yes, that's perfect." I went home and looked up what the Bible said about Joy and all the verses containing joy revolved around what Jesus did for us and how we serve others:

Hebrews 12: 1-3
             "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything
              that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked
              out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set
              before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne
              of God."

Psalm 51: 10-12
             "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from
              your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the JOY of your salvation and
              grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

Philippians 2:1-4
              "If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any
               fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my JOY complete by
              being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish
              ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should
              look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the
              same as that of Christ Jesus."

Tuesday, with "Celebrate QUINNcidence" His joy was made complete and so was mine, even in the midst of sorrow. I could feel the "like-mindedness", the "same love", and people all over being "one in spirit and purpose". People put aside their selfish ambitions and put others in front of themselves. Most of you did not look at your own interests, but the interests of others. I know God was glorified Tuesday because those whom He created and loves came together for one purpose... to bless. I know I was not the recipient of all the random acts, but it didn't matter because EVERY LITTLE THING YOU DID for someone else touched my heart, and Tim's, in such a deep way that I could never describe in words. Yes, I was bold enough to put the idea out there, but God did HUGE things with it. Thank you for showing love in big and small ways, thank you for joining us, thank you for supporting us, thank you to those of you who know us and love us, and thank you to those of you who celebrated Quinn without knowing any of us. You will never know how much it meant to us. Quinn was NOT forgotten, Quinn was celebrated, Quinn moved people, people's lives were changed because of my daughter and THAT, that is the greatest birthday gift.

Yesterday, God brought the word "showers" to mind. The last 8 months have seemed full of gloom and showers of tears but just for a moment this week the clouds parted and God decided to shower down blessings through all of you.
Isaiah 45:8
              "You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open
                wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; I, the LORD have created it."

So my prayer for all of you who joined with us is that you were showered with blessings and righteousness, despite the clouds in your life and that salvation and righteousness will spring up. That through the "weather" of rain you have a continual climate of joy. A joy that will not fade and is made complete through serving others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making our joy complete through your acts of kindness.

**I thought I would post highlights from the day below**

Here are students and staff who stayed after school to make posters to promote the day...

 This is what I came into when I walked into my room on Tuesday. 15-20 students and a few staff members came at 7pm the night before and decorated my room to show their support. It was beautiful.

 "We love you Terhorst"

"March 12th Quinncidence"

 "We are Washington"

 Random candy left on lockers with encouragement. This one says "You are amazing. Celebrate QUINNcidence"

 Students were asked to write down on a post-it note what they had done throughout the day and post it on the counseling windows.

 My Desk in our Teacher Planing Center

 A colleague's door that was decorated, she also handed out pink cupcakes to students

 The Counseling office windows towards the end of the day

 This is what I came home to... A dear friend had special kids (cousins, friends, neighbors, church friends) in our life that would've been invited to Quinn's Birthday write birthday cards for Quinn. She then hung them to balloons that represented the prayers gone up from their parents for us. We later released them in the sky.

  Flowers that had been delivered

A compilation of the day:

Now we get into the pictures of others who had posted them for us...

Quarters left in a college dorm laundry room

The following links are what was on the news about Quinncidence:

KDLT Interview

KELOLAND Interview

Blogs written about Quinncidence:

http://hydeenhappenings.blogspot.com/2013/03/quinncidence-march-12.html

http://foreshadownothing.blogspot.com/2013/03/how-quinns-changed-me.html

http://www.melissanesdahl.blogspot.com/2013/03/making-quinncidence-god-incidence.html

http://elliegramkow.blogspot.com/2013/03/quinncidence-march-12.html?spref=fb

Celebrate Quinncidence

As I look out the window at a fresh blanket of snow that has fallen over the great plains of South Dakota, I am reminded of the somber blanket that has fallen over my heart with the calendar changing to March. In just a week Quinn would've been one. It is so hard to wrap my head around. In my mind she is still a baby, I have a hard time picturing her eating birthday cake... she's not old enough to be eating cake! Tim & I have discussed what we are going to do on March 12th to celebrate Quinn's life. It is so easy to say that we are just going to stay in bed for the day and feel sorry for ourselves. But if I stay in bed, Quinn isn't getting what she deserves... I have this little light and I would be keeping it to myself. I have said time and time again that I just want my daughter to be known. I just want her life to affect others and if I stay in bed on the day she was born, her life and what she was to me stays in bed for the day and she deserves more than that. So on Tuesday March 12th Tim & I have decided to do random acts of kindness all day. We want to take the money we would have spent on cake, ice cream, decorations, and presents and bless the lives of others like Quinn blessed ours. At first we wanted this to be an intimate thing between the two of us, but the more we think and talk about it, the more we know that there are so many special people in our life that have walked this road with us that would want to do this with us. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I now know that it takes a village to bury a child too. We couldn't have done this alone, Not without the support of so many special people that God has placed in our lives. So many people have told us if they could do anything we should just let them know. So... we want to open this up to you and we wanted to tell you in advance so you can start thinking & praying about what you might do. We are deeming Tuesday March 12th as "Celebrate Quinncidence" day. A day to celebrate Quinn, a day to celebrate her life, a day to randomly bless. It doesn't have to be big, you could write a nice note to someone who you appreciate, pay for someone's gas, coffee, or groceries, leave a big tip for a waiter, leave quarters on a vending machine or car wash, put flowers on someone's car, bring donuts to work, etc. I am opening this up my school, Washington High School, as well and will kick it off at the end of the week there. On Tuesday I will post pictures on the blog of what the students there did and how Quinn's birthday went. We would love to hear from you too and what random act of kindness you did on Tuesday to remember Quinn. Post it as a comment below.  And please keep us in your prayers for an abundance of grace this next week and a sense of peace in a time that feels so unfair. Thank you everyone in advance.

The Battle of Our Lives

Quinn would've been 11 months old today. And I sit and wonder what she would've looked like...would she have looked more and more like Tim or me? Would she have had my dimples or Tim's eyes? What would she have sounded like... I imagine what it would sound like to hear her call out, "mama", to have her voice filling our home again. What would she be doing... I see pictures of friends who have children Quinn's age and videos of them crawling or walking around it is heart wrenching. I have prayed against bitterness, but I have found that it is always slyly lurking around the corner, waiting to sneak up on you the minute you let your guard down.  I am not naturally a bitter person. By nature, I am generally happy for other people in their success. But what I have discovered in my suffering is the nature of bitterness.  Bitterness is what happens to our bodies as a defense mechanism. It hurts so bad to know what other's have and I am without, that it is easier to just be bitter... to be angry with your lot in life. Because anger and bitterness are a whole lot easier than feeling what I feel every day, complete and utter loss and despair  It is something I have to battle everyday.  What I was not prepared for in all of this was the endurance needed to survive this tragedy and simply live. I am shocked at how much energy it takes just to be, just to live life, just to carry out day to day activities. I have come to the point, now, were I am beyond the heart crushing, raw pain of grief, but have entered a new stage of a continual state of dull heart ache at all times. It is like music playing in the background, sometimes you are conscious of it and at other times are you not cognitively aware of it, but it is always there. I know I will never forget Quinn and I will always love her, but I wonder if there will ever be a day when EVERYTHING doesn't lead back to her like it does now. All things in life now cause a twinge of hurt because they somehow remind me of Quinn.

I am, however, finding out that I am a survivor and I can do this. But I am not satisfied with being just a survivor, I want to thrive in this life I have been given. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I view this grief as an epic battle, something that I don't want to sit back and let take over my life. It is something I want to fight. And I hear the Lord say, as he said to Gideon in Judges 6:12-13 & 15-16...

                   "'The Lord is with you mighty warrior!' Then Gideon said, 'Sir if the Lord is with us, why are we 

                     having so much trouble?... How can I save Israel? My family group is the weakest in 

                     Manasseh, and I am the least important member of my family.' The Lord answered him, 'I will

                     be with you. It will seem as if the Midianites you are fighting are only one man."

I empathize with Gideon when he is confused at the trouble he is experiencing if God is with him. I can't count how many times I have asked God as to why are we having this much trouble and why won't he step in and rescue us? I can relate to being weak. There is no way I can do this on my own. I am fighting a giant and am a huge underdog. I woke up in the early morning hours Saturday from a dream and I felt like God was telling me that I am David and this grief and fear of the future is my giant. By all earthly standards I can never defeat this, it is so much bigger than me. And though my faith is thin, I am trusting that God is with me. I am hoping in the words of Jesus in Matthew 17:20:

                   "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 

                    'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

I am not ignorant of the fact that this is the greatest, most difficult fight of my life. And though the battle might change as life goes on, it will always be there. I need endurance and perseverance. 

Hebrews 10:32, 35-36, & 39 states:

                     "Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in

                     a great contest in the face of suffering... So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly

                     rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will

                     receive what he has promised... But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed,

                     but of those who believe and are saved."

I think of an epic tale like Lord of the Rings and feel like the following quote was made just for me...

                   "Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

                    Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the

                    great stories, Mr Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they 

                    were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy?

                    How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the

                    end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And

                    when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you.

                    That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo,

                    I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only

                   they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

                   Frodo: What are they holding onto, Sam?

                   Sam: That there is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for."
I sit and ponder this and it is true. All the great stories that ever moved me were those with an underdog, those where all hope seemed lost, and yet the characters stayed strong, they persevered, and they fought against all odds. So today I choose to fight... fight against bitterness, fight against feeling sorry for myself, fight to see the good in life... and know that it's worth fighting for.

New Identity

Identity Theft...that is what has happened. 6 months ago I knew who I was. I was a positive person who loved to laugh, and who saw the best in people. I was a mother and a care-giver. I was a faithful believer in Christ sure in my relationship with Him. I knew who He was to me and I knew who I was to Him. Yet, in one life-altering event all of that was gone. I feel as if the whole ship of my life went down and I am floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean with nothing but water for miles. I look around me and see different parts of who I used to be floating away in the distance all on different debris in different directions. I can see them slowly floating away and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am so tired of being sad. This is not me. I just want one day where I can drop this longing and sadness off somewhere and forget about it, but sadness is my shadow- it follows me everywhere. I have a hard time looking forward to things. All I see in my future is dread- anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays- all words that were once cheerful words now make me clam up, make me recoil. And my innocence, my naivety all are gone. When bad things happen to other people, I am calloused to them. How can those things break my heart like they used to when my heart is already shattered? There are no pieces left to break.
Six months ago I was a mother. There are moments in my day or week that I try to reason with myself... "Alison, you lived 28 years of your life without Quinn. You have known living without her longer than you have known what is like to live with her. YOU CAN DO THIS." I honestly give inner pep-talks quite often. But then I remember. I remember how it felt to smell her, to hold her warm sweet body against my chest, how it felt to hear her breath, and coo, I remember the feeling my heart had when I saw her smile, when I made eye contact with her and she smiled in recognition of who I was and then I think... "How could I ever go back?" I can never forget how she made my cup runneth over and I am now so painfully aware of this empty cup. I know I am still a mother in some sense of the word... the mother who needs to go to the cemetery every day to make sure everything is ok, the mother who wakes up in the middle of the night when it sleets outside barely able to hold myself together knowing her baby is "out" in this, but being a mother is a verb to me. It is the day in and day out things you do for your child  and that...that is gone.
But the identity I mourn the most is losing the identity I had of Christ and who I thought he was. C.S. Lewis  echos my thoughts in A Grief Observed:
            "The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like."

Why have I always secretly thought of God as my Holy Vending Machine? The God who, if I do good, will toll out blessings? And my trust in Him is so thin. When any opportunity for a bad circumstance arises, I have a hard time believing that the best is going to happen- at least what I think is best. Being in this position leaves little room for hope.
As I am beginning this new year the same few words keep coming to my mind and heart- restore and renew. I want to be renewed, I yearn for restoration.
Jeremiah pleads for it in Lamentations 5:15 & 20:
            "Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning (15)... Restore us to yourself,
             O Lord, that we may return; renew our days of old. (20)."

           "And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little
            while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast."                -1 Peter 5:10

            "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being
             renewed day by day."                                                                                   -2 Corinthians 4:16
My prayer is similar to David's in Psalm 51:10-12
             "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from
              your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant
              me a willing spirit to sustain me."
But I am so worn that it is hard to know where to start with the restoration. I was in the car this morning and the throwback song of I Want to Fall in Love with You by Jars of Clay came on and it hit me like a ton of bricks- I want, no, I need to fall in love with the Lord all over again. If I have discovered that I didn't really know who the Lord was... It's time to get to know Him all over again. My New Year's Resolution? To fall deeper in love with God.  In order for God to "renew a steadfast spirit within me" and "restore the joy of my salvation" I need to return to my first love- Him. God has written me 66 love letters... the Bible.  Like a woman waiting to hang on every word in writing from her lover afar, I should be hanging on every word of his love letters to me. I have made a resolution to start with Genesis and read 2-4 chapters a day and read the book 66 Love Letters by Larry Crabb along with the Bible when I start and finish a new book/love letter. In the beginning of a marriage- love is sweet, easy, and natural, but as the years go by it takes more work to keep the spark in the marriage. It is time for me to get to work to get the spark back. And I hear God saying to me,
               "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build
                you up again and you will be rebuilt, Oh Alison. Again you will take up your tambourines and
                go out to dance with the joyful."                           -Jeremiah 31:3-4
And here begins the restoration of my Identity. Not of who I once was, but who I am in Christ.

The Hope of Christmas

For the first time in my life Christmas scares me. It is a blatant reminder of what I am without. It almost taunts me with movies with perfectly happy endings, constant commercials, sayings, and songs about how Christmas is for kids or the child-like wonder of the season, and every carol seems to lead back to a birth, angels, or Noel... Quinn Noel.
I once heard that suffering is pain plus the knowledge that it could be so much better. Many times in the last couple of months I've thought bad thoughts about Adam and Eve. God's original plan was for us to live in a perfect Utopian Garden with Him.... a paradise. But like anyone who has been in a relationship knows,  love involves free will. So, of course, there was the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Once we took of that apple- things forever changed. Ignorance is bliss. I wish I could go back to that garden, living in paradise with God, the way he initially intended, without death, tears, or suffering. But no, now I have to live with knowing that death, pain, and tears are an everyday part of my life. And that is the beginning of suffering... experiencing pain and knowing that it could have been better.
But here is where we get to the good part... the hope of Christmas. See, for thousands of years after Adam and Eve the world was dark with this knowledge of suffering until a tiny baby was born in a stable in Bethlehem and EVERYTHING changes,  because essentially Hope was born. Jesus was our way out of this mess and His birth was the beginning of a beautiful story of redemption, and of restoration. My favorite Christmas Carol of all time has ALWAYS been Oh Holy Night. And in this season of life I focus on this phrase:  "The thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks the new and glorious morn..."
Romans 15: 12-15
                "And Isaiah says, 'A new king will come from the family of Jesse. He will come to rule over the
                 non-Jewish people, and they will have HOPE because of Him.   Isaiah 11:10"
Romans 5:1-4
                "Since we have been made right with God by our faith, we have peace with God. This happened

                  through our Lord Jesus Christ, who through our faith has brought us into that blessing of God's                 

                  grace that we now enjoy.  And we are happy because of the hope we have of sharing God's          
                  glory. We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce          
                  patience, and patience produces character, and character produces hope."

See, God doesn't promise an easy journey. In fact, the root of all our joy and hope seems to stem from our troubles. I have learned in recent months that hope means everything. The days when hope seems farthest away, are the hardest.
Proverbs 13:12
                 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
But what exactly is Hope? Vaciav Havel puts it well:
                 "Hope is definitely not the same as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out
                  well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out."
See, I am not naive anymore. I know that life doesn't always turn out well, but I know that if tomorrow brings another disappointment, that I can still rest in the HOPE that Christ will be with me through this disappointment.  Our objective is not to get through this trouble, silently waiting for life's next struggle.  God has a higher goal for us... to put Him at such a place in our lives where the storms of life may come, but hope rises above it. That I build my relationships with Christ in such a way that it can't be broken  That I will have the same response to Him no matter what happens.
Romans 8:24-25
                  "For in this hope we were saved. but hope that is seen is not hope at all. Who hopes for what
                   they already have seen? But we have a hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it
                   patiently."
Although my heart is still broken, although this has been the hardest time of life, although hope seems so distant and is my ONLY prayer for Christmas this year, there is something ever so small rising up in me and it feels a little like hope. What do I have to be hopeful for in this season of life you might ask? Not that I'm going to have a perfect life after this or that this is where my sorrow ends. I know I will wake up tomorrow and my heart will break all over again. My hope is found in a meek manger, because in that lies my future. It starts the chain of events that will eventually lead me back to that perfect Utopian garden where there will be no more tears, and death is just a memory. I'll leave you with this quote from Max Lucado:
                    "Hope is not what you'd expect; it is what you would never dream. It is a wild, improbable tale
                     with a pinch-me-I'm-dreaming ending...Hope is not a granted wish or a favor performed; no, it
                     is far greater than that. It is a zany, unpredictable dependence on a God who loves to surprise
                     us out of our socks and be there in the flesh to see our reaction."
I

The River to Thanksgiving

Today marks 4 months since Quinn's death... on the day before Thanksgiving. I have found in these four months that grief is not a state of being, but a journey, there is an ebb and flow to it. It is much like a river. Always moving. At some points, especially in the beginning, it is a rapids where, at times, you feel like you might be overcome by it.... that you might drown in your grief. Then, all of a sudden, you put your feet down and realize that you can stand, but it takes every ounce of your strength just to stand because the current of grief is so strong, that sometimes, out of no where, it knocks you off your feet and just when you thought you had it figured out it overtakes you again, threatening to close in on you. All the while there are times you cannot see through the mist of the rapids, while at others there is such a clarity of life and its meaning. There are rocks and debris along the way that are painful, but you can't just cling to them, dwelling on them, because then you are in a rut and will never let yourself move on, where yes, it might get worse down the river, but it will get better as well.
I can't help but think that David felt the same way in Psalm 69:
          "God, save me, because the water has risen to my neck. I'm sinking down into the mud, and there is
            nothing to stand on. I am in deep water and the flood covers me. I am tired from calling for help;
           my throat is sore. My eyes are tired from waiting for God to help me."  v.1-3
His prayer is similar to mine:
           "But I pray to you, LORD, for favor. God, because of your great love, answer me. You are truly able
            to save. Pull me from the mud, and do not let me sink....Do not let the flood drown me or the deeep
            water swallow me...LORD, answer me because your love is so good. Because of your great
            kindness, turn to me. Do not hide from me, your servant. I am in trouble. Hurry to help me! Come
            near and save me."  v. 13-18
Yet, in this season of Thanksgiving, David ends his psalm (v. 29-36) with thanks:
           "I am sad and hurting. God, save me and protect me. I will praise God in a song and will honor him
            by giving thanks. That will please the LORD more than offering him cattle. Poor people will see
           this and be glad. Be encouraged, you who worship God. The LORD listens to those in need and
           does not look down on captives. Heaven and earth should praise him, the seas and everything in
           them. God will save Jerusalem and rebuild the cities of Judah. Then people will live there and own
           the land. The descendants of his servants will inherit that land, and those who love him will live there."

I wanted to end this post with thanksgiving, but everything in me finds it so hard to be thankful this year. I told Tim the other day how we are so blessed. Really, so many areas of our life are so good and yet the loss of Quinn is so huge that it seems none of the other areas matter if they are good. But just as David said, "I am sad and hurting" and in the next breath said, " I will praise God in a song and honor him by giving thanks". And just as Job, after everything in his life was destroyed said, "The LORD gave these things to me, and he has taken them away. Praise the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21). I will thank Him. I have always considered myself a grateful person, so it is hard to adjust to this new season. But maybe I was so grateful because life was better. I don't think God calls us to thanksgiving only when things turn out right, only when we are given what we want. I think God is honored more when things don't go as planned, when things are taken away, and still we turn and say thanks.
So even though I want to continue typing about sorrow, I will choose to be thankful. Here is what I am thankful for:
- Tim. I married this adorable man that I met in college and always thought was just a goofball. But that is what I am so thankful for, the way he can lighten the mood, the way he makes me laugh, but even more, the way he loves the Lord, the way he draws people in, and mostly the kind of incredible father he was. Tim was there for EVERY prenatal appointment, by my side every hour of the 28hr labor, up with every middle of the night feeding. He adored Quinn. And as much as I hate to admit this, Tim could make Quinn smile so much better than I could. I could NOT walk this road without him.  Because he knows exactly how I feel, his disappointments are my disappointment. When I say I miss Quinn, he knows the depth of those words because he does too. I know the statistics on couples who lose a child and I will NOT let us be a statistic because I know a cord with three strands is not easily broken and this is the time when those are not merely words, but survival.

-My Family. Most of you know that I have some of the best parents out there. They have taught me the real meaning of life. They loved Quinn like parents: coming up here most weekends, taking night shifts, cuddling with her, changing diapers, Skyping during bath time. The only way I can withstand this storm is from the solid rock of lessons on Christ, on loving others, and staying positive that have come from years of the blood, sweat, and tears of my parents. And my sister... where do I begin? She has had a tough role this year. I have always been the big sister who has jumped in and saved the day. And now, she has so play that role. Just this weekend, in fact, she held me until I cried myself to sleep. That is not something that is at the top of 25yr old's list. She left her single life in the fast lane life in LA to come live with her grieving sister and brother-in-law in South Dakota. I know the sacrifices she has made and for that I am forever grateful.

-Tim's Family. It has been a tough road the last couple of weeks. 2weeks ago we found out that Tim's dad has esophageal cancer. It has been a long couple of weeks of finding out stages, survival percentages, and discussing major surgery. But all the while God has shown his hand on our family. The cancer was caught miraculously early, he has the best surgeon in the region, and on Dec. 10th they will remove the cancer in a tedious 4-6hr surgery that includes 1-3days in the ICU, 2 weeks in the hospital, and 3 months of hard recovery, BUT a 90% survival rate. The family has been extremely supportive of us through it all, and I think this continues to bring us closer.

-Extended Family. My extended family has been there every step of the way. Multiple times in my week they will send me texts that they are thinking about me, praying for us, verses to help us get through, or encouragement. They will call, drive up to visit, or set up girls weekends to make sure I'm doing okay.

-Friends. All my life I have been blessed with amazing friends in each season of life. My high school friends- They all flew in for Quinn's funeral and stayed the week after, holding my hand to cry, helping clean the house, running errands, doing thank yous, and just being there for us. You guys will never know how much that meant to me. My college friends came too and are still writing cards and checking in on me. And our friends here in Sioux Falls have been amazing. Tim's friends from high school have arranged get togethers often to spend time lovin on us and some have even given a huge financial blessing to us- you know who you are and we are so grateful.  And our neighbors are a rare gem. One night we looked out and one was mowing the front yard, one was mowing the back yard, and another had the weed-eater going. They have held us, dropped by, and called often to show their love. It would be wrong of me not to mention our best friends April and Darin VanderWell. They honestly could write a book on what it means to love on grieving friends. I cannot even list how they have been there. Darin just sat for 2 days with Tim. April arranged meals, wrote the obituary, wrote thank yous, calls daily to check up on me, prays for me, and honestly just has the most beautiful heart. I will never be able to repay all of you for what you have done for us.

Our Church Body- Thank you for holding us up in prayer, being there for us during some of the hardest moments of our lives, the texts, emails,  phone calls, meals and the thoughtfulness. Thank you. You are more than a church, you are our family, our brothers and sisters.

Colleagues- We both have felt so supported at work. Tim's boss has been so good about giving Tim the time off if he needs it and his co-workers have been supportive. Teachers and administers at my school have set up people to be on-call if I ever need to leave the classroom. They have called, left notes in my mailbox, stopped and checked in on me, and sat and cried with me after school. We both love what we do and the people we work with are a huge part of that.

Jesus Christ- Thank you for making away for me to be with Quinn in eternity through your own suffering. Thank you for your word that has been my only source of light in some very dark times. Thank you for loving me even when I am angry and a mess. Thank you for glimpses of joy in the midst of our sorrow. I could not even get out of bed if it wasn't for you and the people you have placed in my life. I honestly don't know how people do it without You.

Quinn- Even though I miss you every minute of the day and my heart is broken beyond repair, I would do it all over again to have the honor to be your mommy. 4 1/2 months was not enough, but not for one second would I give up what I had with you. Thank you for your smiles, cuddles, and what you have taught me about life. I am so thankful you were mine. I love you.

To those of you who I haven't kept in touch with in years or who don't even know me, but have sent heartfelt cards, Facebook messages, or comments on the blog- thank you. You have no idea at how some of those comments came at the perfect time and were just what we needed to hear. I have been so humbled by our support in this trial of our lives. I think of 2Cor. 1:4-5 "He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God give us. We share in the many suffering of Christ. In the same way, much comfort comes to us through Christ." I am thankful, for the support we have received and the love we have been shown. If love could take away the pain it would've been gone a long time ago from the amount we have received. Even though I will never be able to repay all of you, I promise I will try. I know I have been comforted so that in the days ahead I can comfort others. The LORD gives and takes away but I will continue to praise Him.